Eli Weinstein on Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years

Debbie:
Hey Eli, welcome to the podcast.

Eli Weinstein:
Hey, thanks for having me. Super excited to be here.

Debbie:
You have a book which I just read. It’s called From I Do to We Do, Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years. And yeah, I’m of course I read it through the lens of what’s happening in my world right now and with my partner. And we’ve talked about this stuff from different lenses on the show before, but I think this is yet a whole different perspective. So maybe we could start by sharing a little bit about what you do in the world and why you wanted to get this book out into the world.

Eli Weinstein:
Sure. So I’m a full time therapist, full time dad of now three. We have a baby, a newborn baby four weeks old, baby Gabby. Yeah. Before coming on here, I was holding her for about an hour while, you know, hour and a half, not sleeping last night, you know, the normal, the normal baby babying, you know, stuff. We’re in it. And so it was a lot of things that I was feeling. As a human being, as a dad, and as a therapist, I work with couples every day, at least one couple or two couples every day, or I work with individuals within their relationships. And it just was this stuff coming up with the parenting and the balancing and the communication, all the things that the Gottmans have written about, and Sue Johnson, all the wonderful, you know, Tina Bryson, Dan Siegel, all the beautiful things. But to me, there was never a book that was a relationship book for the parents. And there was never a parenting book that talks about the relationship. And I don’t know, about two years ago, maybe, I don’t even know what day it is right now with my brain not working. A publishing company reached out to me because of my podcast. And they reached out and said, hey, we want you to write a book. There’s not a lot of male therapists who are out there honest with no BS as a dad, as a, you know, a husband, and all those wonderful things that make me who I am. And I’ll be honest, I hate writing. Like it’s one of my biggest fears. ADHD growing up, still ADHD. I got great ideas, but it never comes on the page clearly, or a lot of run-on sentences and grammar’s not great. And so to be asked to write a book and to be given the opportunity for someone to take care of all the back end stuff, I said I couldn’t pass on the opportunity. So I asked for a little extra time and did it. And it was a journey. And the reason why I did this topic was because I gave a few options and this was the one the publisher picked. And it’s something I’m very passionate about. And while I was writing it and working with clients, it kept reminding me. Both work, the writing and the work itself of being a therapist was like this is very important. I think I need this and my clients need it. And I’m doing it with them right now. Let’s put it out there and see what happens.

Debbie:
So just the writer in me, just a little side note. How did you write, like what was your strategy? Did you do more like voice to text, like as someone who struggles to write? It’s really well written and very accessible and conversational. So how did you do it?

Eli Weinstein:
Yeah. A lot of crying and screaming was how I did it. No, it was like I said before with the whiteboard that’s really messy for my kids’ drawings, which I love that they feel the freedom to come in here and have fun in my office. It was a lot of planning and a lot of sacrifice for my wife to take the kids on a Sunday and me just sit for four to five hours and just work on it. And something that I say very often is that my mom told me this and my dad also was a very big part of this, if you try to, you know, you gotta break things into digestible pieces. If you try to, you know, take the whole pizza pie and eat it, you’ll choke. So you gotta like break it up into digestible pieces. So it was really learning what I want the book to be about, a lot of self-awareness. I kind of wrote a lot of stories and I love storytelling. That is what I love doing. So then it was taking the stories and building practical reality off of it. And I’ll be real, I put it into ChatGPT to help smudge it up a little bit or give me notes on things that were redundant or grammar things that I would then go back. I used it as an editor slash an assistant to look it over and kind of check me a little bit to go, hey, you said this six times in the matter of this chapter. Don’t do that. Like redo it. So I used a lot of the tools like that, but it was a battle and a struggle, I’ll be honest. And the funny thing is is that I really want to write another one. I used to be afraid to write like a tweet or like a thread or an Instagram caption. Like that, I just don’t like writing. It freaks me out. So for me to do this, that was the biggest success. And then but it was like for some reason there’s a part of me that goes, I could write another one. So

Debbie:
Yeah, that happens. I’m as someone who’s written a number of books, it, and I, and with each one, and you know, Michelle Borba, who’s a friend who’s written so many books, has said to me with each book, this is really my last one, right? Yeah. And she’s wonderful, but she is like the most prolific writer. And, you know, she just keeps going. She’s so passionate. She’ll say, this is it, I’m done. And then next thing you know, there’s another book coming. So

Eli Weinstein:
What is that? And you know, I was gonna come out and they’ve got me right back in.

Debbie:
Yeah, it just happens. It just happens. Well, congratulations. And you set the book up really nicely in the beginning. You say this book is for every parent who’s ever felt torn between being a partner, a parent, and a person. And I read that. I’m like, yes. And that means it’s really for every parent. Because I think, you know, and I’m sure you find this in your work, that just that seems to be an unavoidable reality that anyone raising children is living, right?

Eli Weinstein:
Yeah, it really is. And secret time, the book is really like eighty percent a relationship book for anyone. Or seventy percent. I don’t know the real ratio. Math is not my subject. Clearly I’m saying that I suck at math and I suck at writing and I don’t know what I’m good at right now, but I promise I have some skills. But with the split, it really is skills that you can take to any relationship. So it’s not just for people who are in the parenting stage, people who are thinking about having kids, dating and want to have kind of conversations on what it would mean and kind of what kind of questions and conversations to have with a future partner about certain things and how to deal with situations. So it really is, but it’s through the thirty percent, through the lens of the parenting stories that I have and the clients and the work that I do. But when it comes down to the idea that it’s such a cross-the-board issue is that you kind of turn off one of them, right? You kind of like you have to focus on the newborn. There’s no way around it. This little thing that is so cute and helpless needs you. And that takes up so much energy, so much brain power. So how are you supposed to be able to balance everything if you’ve never done it before or you have done it before? And this kid is different. And something that I say often in the book is that this is a skill. This is not something that you wake up one day and know how to balance and do. It’s a skill. And that’s a beautiful thing to say. It’s very empowering because that means it’s something you can learn. It’s something that you can master, or it’s something that you can work on. It’s not like either you have it or you don’t. Either you’re athletic or you’re not. I’m not. But either you’re athletic or not. No, this is a skill that you can learn with the right tools, the right focus, the right opportunities, can really create a great chance of success.

Debbie:
I have to say that reading, you know, you do share a lot of personal stories. You’re very vulnerable and like your own challenges and kind of adjusting to having a baby and kind of dealing with then having another baby and kind of navigating all of that. And, you know, again, I’m the parent of a 22 year old. So I’m doing a lot of reflecting for some reason in this moment. It feels like I really have been looking back. I mean, part of my work keeps me thinking about early childhood anyway, but just thinking about how kind of out of sorts and dysregulated I was so much at the time. And I’m trying to reconcile that even now. And reading your book was actually really helpful for me to be like, okay, this is what this person does. Like, and he’s just sharing like, you had your moments where you didn’t show up in the way that you wanted to show up for your kids, for your partner. And anyway, so for me it was actually really, not validating, but it felt very like I wasn’t alone, that I hadn’t really failed, that this is kind of a normal experience.

Eli Weinstein:
Well, first of all, thank you for saying that. Cause to me, that is the whole purpose of the book. Is that I think in today’s day and age with social media and things like that, people make it look like everything is magical and perfect and that parenting is wonderful, which it is. But to me, the biggest struggle that most parents feel is loneliness. Whether it’s the individual, I just actually wrote an article this morning for my wife, you know, kind of breastfeeding and feeling alone. Or no one else is going through this right now and no one else gets it. And the truth is I might not get exactly how you’re going through this struggle or this journey or this moment, but we have struggled and we have battled to be a better self, not the best self, but a better self or an okay self that we are proud of or okay with that day. But we all have moments where we scream at our kids, lose our cool, dysregulate and aren’t good to ourselves or good to our partners. And it doesn’t mean that we have failed. Because the joke I always make with a lot of couples or even people who have young kids is like, my gosh, I’m gonna screw up my children. Like you can be the perfect parent and do all the right things, so to speak, and your kids can still not turn out the way you hope. So you don’t have as much control as you think. So you’re not going to screw your kids up in the ways that we are talking about in the book. I’m not talking about abuse and things of that nature, you know, and abandonment and things of that. And if that’s the case, please come talk to me. It’s a different scenario, different conversation. But for the normal day-to-day, losing your cool, being intense, being overwhelmed, being distant, like that stuff is repairable and it’s a skill to deal with each other better so that you can be a good team. It doesn’t have to be the end of the world. And it is something that, not magical. This is not Disney. I wish it was. Like I really do. I’m a big fan of Disney. I wish it was a Disney story. It’s a human story and we all go through it. So isn’t that great that we can turn to each other?

Debbie:
Yeah, let’s talk about it. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Okay, so in the book you write about, you call it the Holy Trinity, expectations, perceptions, and realities as the thing that can really trip people up. So which of those kind of things do you see in your work causes the biggest rifts in relationships, especially after they have kids? And maybe you could kind of talk us through those.

Eli Weinstein:
Yeah, so I call the Holy Trinity just because it’s a triangle, three things, and I didn’t, you know, I wanted to have some catchy name, you know. I didn’t have good acronyms. I know all these cool books have acronyms and taglines. And so to me, this is one of my taglines of a very CBT cognitive behavioral therapy mentality of how our thoughts and feelings impact our behaviors. So I really felt this in the example I give in the book, but it’s something that I noticed with a lot of people during COVID when people started working from home. And expectations shifted to the roles, how much you’re doing, how involved you are, where you’re doing it, how you’re doing all those things. So if I expect, I think the piece of the puzzle that really needs to be focused on is the expectation to the perception piece. That little part of the triangle. Because I can have expectations, but if I now perceive you negatively because of those expectations, the way I treat you is gonna be pretty poor, pretty intense, right? Or if I work on my expectations to have a little more reality, a little more kindness or benefit of the doubt, my perception’s going to be more positive. Now it doesn’t mean that when things are hard, we need to sugarcoat everything and make it all silver lining and magical and beautiful. There’s no pixie dust here. It’s just that I need to work on that because I’ll give the example. I am dealing with the baby for a couple of hours, and my wife leaves to go to Trader Joe’s. It’s her happy place. I don’t blame her. Who doesn’t love some of the fancy spices they have? It’s so fun. She comes home. And Gabby isn’t sleeping. She fought me. She had a few poopy diapers and all the things. And my wife expects that things should be settled. She comes in expecting that. And now the perception is you failed. This didn’t work out as I planned. Now I’m on edge and upset at you. Not that I did anything wrong. And not that her expectation is wrong either. But now how do I treat her? How does she treat me? How do we deal with that? Am I gonna snap at you? Is she gonna snap at me and go, what the hell? How come you didn’t get Gabby down? What are you even good for? I should never leave. I guess I can’t trust you. Right? Those are the mindsets that then put space in between two people, just trying to get through it. And then it creates massive amounts of resentment. So the way to handle this in a more practical, direct way is either set the expectation before, communicate, I call it full communication, to tell people what, how, when, where, and how, all the information, the example I actually do this with couples when I’m working with them. I say, what if when I say this statement, what do you hear? And I say, take the garbage out. And I always start with the male and I say, what did you just hear me say? And nine out of ten times they say, when I have time. I’m not joking.

Debbie:
Wow.

Eli Weinstein:
And the woman or the female says, now. That was never said though. The only statement that I said was take out the garbage. And their expectation of what that means is very different. Well, if that’s the case, that’s bound to cause arguments. It probably does. Can you do the dishes? Can you go pack the lunches? Can you, you know, help out with the kids? Can you cook dinner? Right? There’s no information given. So to deal with the expectation so that there is a healthier perception, a better communication or conversation is full communication. Hey, can you please take out the garbage right now? Because I’m about to make a huge mess for dinner and the garbage is full and I really need it taken care of now. Right? All the reasons. Thanks so much, babe. I really appreciate it. Now, the pushback I get from men when I say that is, well, what if I can’t? What if I’m actually busy? Great. So say that. Offer a different option. Say, you know what? I’m busy with something, I can do it in five minutes. Mean that, stick to it, be real about it, take accountability on that statement. Now, what if it doesn’t work for the wife? Then they have to make a decision if they’re gonna be okay with that or do it themselves. But the expectation was set. I told you all the information. There’s no how come you didn’t know this? Or this happens every day, or whatever those arguments. Instead of keeping everything up here in your head, get it out. Communicate it. It will avoid so many arguments and snippiness and toxicity and poison that we have against each other and just get things done and be a lot kinder and softer to each other.

Debbie:
Yeah. I mean, even just taking away what you just said, that could completely change a dynamic. And as you said, this does build up over time. And I’m guessing that this really is highlighted when we become parents because maybe the stakes haven’t felt so high in the past. So the perceptions, it doesn’t really, it’s just kind of like, that’s just who this person is. But now it feels a lot bigger.

Eli Weinstein:
Yeah, it’s a lot more pressure, a lot more tension, a lot more things need to get done, and I can’t do it alone anymore because I’m being pulled in four different directions because I have a kid screaming. I gotta get the kids out the door, I also have to breastfeed, I also have to deal with myself and have coffee and breakfast. And there’s so many moving parts and so many things pulling at you. If I look at you and think, wow, so you just suck or you’re the worst. Right. Even the Gottmans were very big and are very big on it’s not about all the we statements and the perfect way of saying it. It’s the fact that we have kindness and friendship and togetherness through it. Because I can say all the right statements and all the right things, but in the end, if I hate you and can’t stand you and want to kill you, or I can’t stand your breathing, who cares what statements I say? It’s never going to click because we aren’t together. We’re not connected. So that stuff kinda gets the deep rooted thing of if I just communicate it better and get it off my chest and it’s also received well, which is a huge part, right? People push back and defensiveness, that’s a whole other thing. Then we can get things done and we can be a better team. And I don’t feel all the built up tension and annoyance and frustration.

Debbie:
Yeah. Okay. I have like three questions that are very different. So let me think of what direction I want to go in. Okay.

Eli Weinstein:
Well I love it. Let’s go to all of them.

Debbie:
Well, let’s just pivot for a minute. This is related, but you know, you talk about emotional, logistical load, mental load, and that’s obviously a big conversation. You know, this invisible labor that women are doing and, you know, certainly I will just say, you know, in my community and I run a parent community and there may be two men in that, like it tends to be moms. And so there is this kind of a lot, and especially again with neurodivergent kids, the legit like the logistics and demands can be even much higher in terms of all the things that we’re juggling. So we also don’t hear about the mental load of dads. So when you talk about that in the book, I was like, yeah, they have their own things they’re thinking about. So could you, I know that sounds really naive, but you know, I’m in my own experience. So could you just talk about that? Like kind of what, how is the mental emotional load different for moms and dads? And of course we’re talking in general terms here, but this is what you see in your work. So

Eli Weinstein:
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. So broad strokes, mental load just means the things that are on our mind on a consistent basis that weigh us down or cause us stress or the hamster wheel, right? So that is every human, right? Every human is thinking about things they need to do, what they need to take care of, and how they need to take care of it. Now, when the default parent is the mom, whether we like it or not, unfortunately it does happen ten out of ten times. The stuff builds up. I’ll even give an example that happened recently. My wife, my daughter just started school today. My seven-year-old daughter is in second grade. And she is in the WhatsApp group of the moms. Of all the, like, who’s carpool? What’s happening? Hey, whose birthday parties? You know, this thing and that thing. I’m not involved in that. Not by choice, by the way. But like I’m not involved in that WhatsApp group. One more thing on my wife’s head that I don’t know about. So the story I tell is like my wife was once telling me, you know, she was having a hard day and I was checking in. Hey, what’s going on? She’s like, I have so much on my mind. And I said, let me in. Let me hear what’s going on. Let’s see if I can take something off or do something. And there were seven things that she told me that I didn’t even know existed because I’m not involved at all. Hey, I got to deal with this friend’s birthday party. And my daughter has a birthday party in two months. I need to buy the present. Well, I’m not on the WhatsApp groups. I’m not in the conversations. I’m not involved. How am I supposed to know? So the biggest thing I do with couples when it comes to the mental load is, and I’m gonna be very clear with what I mean by it so that no one, make a list. Now, here’s what I mean by make a list. Do not make a list to shove it into the person’s face and go, look how much I do, you suck, you do nothing. The list is if you’re feeling overwhelmed and you’re feeling like you’re drowning, make the list so that the person has awareness of how much you’re doing in your head because they can’t see it and know. Well, the holidays are coming up in six months and I gotta plan this, and your mother called me about that, and my mother wants me to do this, and your dad asked me to do this. And I don’t know. I’m not involved in those texts. There’s no conversation if I don’t know about it. I want to know about it. That’s the point of the list. Make the person aware, not shove it in their face. That’s part one. Part two is share and empower. What I mean by that is that you go through the list and you say, and this is the husbands right now. Okay. I need you all to grow up a little bit and step up as a human being. Stop being afraid of doing hard work and helping out. We all have a lot on our plate and we all have things and yes, one more thing. I know, I get it. It’s hard. I’m in it with you. But one more thing might be the difference of your wife feeling seen, respected, and loved by you. And if you’re gonna do it, do it. Don’t just take it on and then mess it up. And then she now doesn’t have trust in you. And now she has to nag you and bother you because you can’t get your stuff together and get things done. Believe in yourself. So when, and this is tied into another concept I talk about, but with the empower thing is go through the list and look at your partner and say, what are some things that are in your wheelhouse that you feel confident that you can do and take on? That I can step out and I can check it off my mental list and not have to worry about it anymore. Okay, great. Yeah, I didn’t know. I can totally order that up. I can go to Walmart. I can go to Target. I can pick up that. I can do this. I didn’t know you were worrying about all those things. And the third thing when we don’t do that, or when the husbands or partners don’t step up and do it right or well. Now it’s not about right. It’s not your standard. It’s now on his shoulders. It’s now his standard, his way of doing it. So let it go and let him do it. And if you care that much and take control, there’s a problem that comes in, which is called the push-out. When someone feels that they’re the only ones who can do it and consistently say, no, never mind. You don’t do it right. Nope, never mind. And they constantly push the person away and don’t let the person learn, and don’t let the person figure it out themselves, and don’t let the person have confidence in themselves to do things around the house or for the family or for you. So those three things. Give the list, write it down, make them aware of half the things that, then empower them to let them choose. Don’t tell them what to do. Let them choose one to three things that week. You can do it weekly. And then let them do it in their way versus taking control over it, bothering them, or being disappointed it’s not done up to your code or standard. And then push them out and then you’re never gonna get the help again.

Debbie:
Yeah. So I’m kind of like smirking over here because I’m feeling very seen right now with the whole push out concept. So if you’re watching this on YouTube, you can see my reaction in real time. So I will just share and listeners, if you haven’t listened to these, I will put them in a show notes page. My husband and I have done three episodes together where we have talked, you know, one was maybe nine years ago, one was seven years ago, and one was just six months ago, where we’ve talked about how we have worked together to co-parent our kid, our complex kid. And this is a big issue that we had to kind of come to terms with, this idea of me feeling like, you know, no one can do it as well as I can. I’m just gonna do it my way. But it builds up resentment, right? It wasn’t a good plan. So my question is what if this isn’t well received. Like I can imagine, especially if we’re really entrenched in our different camps or, you know, there is kind of some built-up resentment or the communication isn’t strong. And the parent, the mom, for example, creates that list. Here’s everything that I’m doing. What if we share that with a partner and it is not well received? And you mentioned defensiveness. How do we kind of navigate that?

Eli Weinstein:
So it’s all about how you set it up. It’s all about how you set up the conversation. Because you gotta set the table well. Right? If you just go over and be like, hey, I want to show you something. Here’s all the things I do. Now what? Right? It can feel like an attack, diminishing or dismissing all the efforts that someone else makes. So it’s all about how you set the table. Hey, I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling underwater. And I know you know what that feels like, and I know you get that because we’re all battling and struggling here to deal with this situation. So I really want to talk to you about something that’s not so easy for me, about all the things that are on my head. Are you ready to talk about that? Do you have time? Right? So it’s inviting them to the conversation versus assuming they are ready to talk. I had to learn this the hard way. So I have ADHD, I am very impulsive sometimes. I can be very excitable and happy and joyous and jolly and all those good things. But I’m working in my office right now. And let’s say after this podcast, I’m so pumped, I’m so excited. It was great. We had a great time. And I come out and I go right to my wife and go, Ariella, but she’s not ready to receive that, or she’s in her own head, or not even in that room, by the way, which does happen sometimes. That’s not fair to her. I’m like dumping that, even for positive. So I have to go, hey, you got a second? I really want to tell you something exciting. Sure. I just had this great conversation with Debbie. It was really awesome. You know, she’s in the Netherlands. That’s pretty damn cool. We should go to the Netherlands. Let’s plan a trip. You know, whatever. Like, that’s I’m setting the table. And then I’m asking, do you have time? And if the answer is not right now, maybe in fifteen, twenty minutes, but you have to schedule the time. Don’t just say, I don’t have time for this and then never talk about it. It has to be active. Yeah, I don’t got time right now, but what about after the kids go to bed? Can we talk then? Sure. A second thing I would say is a little more hands-on practical versus communication, is something I call a couple’s journal. Let’s say you got all this stuff in your head and you really want to tell the person, but they don’t have the time. Maybe they’re not around. Maybe you don’t want to do it in a text. Maybe they’re traveling, whatever it is. Or maybe you guys are not on good terms yet right now, and you’re not talking right now, but you want to get something off your chest to tell them. The couple’s journal is a way to write things down and process it individually for the sake of communicating to your partner what you are thinking, what you are feeling. And then you put it on their side table or some place that is the acceptable place that you have decided to put it, and all you can text them or walk past them and say, hey, couple’s journal. And it gives them the space to look at it on their time, read it and process it on their time, and then maybe schedule a time or talk about a time that you can talk it out in person. Because a lot of times we talk in person and there’s defensiveness, there’s emotions, there’s tones and all those things that we get caught up in. And sometimes we need to just get something off our chest and writing it down could be really helpful.

Debbie:
Yeah. I love that strategy. Like because I’m one of those people when I’m emotional about something, which you know, if I then I get dysregulated and then I cannot communicate well at all. Like I say the wrong thing, I lose my thoughts, I get flustered. And so I often will go into important conversations with notes so I stay on track. But I love the idea of the journaling back and forth. That is really because then the person can, yeah, they can read it when they’re in the right space to do so and they can receive it. 

Eli Weinstein:
Notes is great.

Debbie:
And I want to say that was one of my biggest takeaways from your book was there was so much in there about communication. And you have so many good tips. I do think it’s everything, right? Like how we communicate. One of the questions I had, and maybe you answered this partially just now, but maybe there’s more you could add is how do we, when we’re burned out, when we are navigating a crisis with our kid, when we’re kind of in the throes of it, how can we stick with these kind of shared communication strategies or what we know we want for how we see and treat our partner? How do we keep ourselves doing that consistently so we don’t like, I don’t know, do you have any strategies for that?

Eli Weinstein:
So one, be kind to yourself because when you’re in the throes of and like losing your cool and kind of not yourself, we have to be cognizant of that, whether it’s you’re tired or overwhelmed, you know, there was just a blow-up in the house and it was just, you know, a lot. So we have to be kind of really cognizant of the context and kind of be kind to ourselves through that process. The first thing I’ll say about practical is benefit of the doubt. Like you are not enemies. You’re teammates. And so just because we are having a rough patch or life is hard doesn’t mean we turn against each other and attack each other. Like the scene I always say is like when you’re in the car driving on a family trip, because it’s not a vacation, because you’re with your kids, it’s a family trip. And the kids are screaming in the back. Why the hell are we arguing and yelling at each other because of that? We didn’t do anything. You didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t do anything wrong. Why are we arguing? Because it’s stressful. So we have to remind ourselves that the stress or the enemy, whatever the enemy is, is not each other. And so if we kind of remind ourselves of that why, of that importance of looking at the other person and remembering or reminding ourselves that this is my teammate, then it can create a better kind of calm and serenity that we then give into. And then we can start small with the skills. Like I wrote this in one of the chapters, I wish I knew about him, Phil Stutz, earlier on when he was healthier. Great documentary on Netflix. He has unbelievable books, and he’s just right up my alley of his no BS, very practical skills, and I just wish I could hang out with him and be his best friend. Unfortunately he’s very sick with Parkinson’s and not doing so great. But he says, like, just remember, like, close your eyes and think about the warmth that this person has given you and the love that this person has had for you and you have had for them. And then use that as like a warming thing that takes over your body and goes outwards towards them. That’s the benefit of the doubt. That’s that love. It’s a very active thing you have to work on. It’s very easy to fall prey to the pain and the frustration and the stress. And I am very vulnerable to that. So I promise you I’m in that. But when you sit back and look and think for real, that’s the energy you come to it with, small, actionable things. Just walking over the person and going, hey, how are you doing? Hey, I love you. Or I miss you. Or you’re looking really nice today. Or whatever it is. But it’s coming from that genuine place of love, and you’re trying to start small with love and communication and resetting. That’s where it begins.

Debbie:
As you were just saying that, it makes me think of the light up moments that, you know, we talk about with our kids, like making sure that we have a light up moment with our child every day where when they see us, we’re exuding love. We make sure they know that we see them and that we’ve got them. We often don’t do the same for our partner. So that’s a really nice reminder. You also talk about the power of gratitude in seeing your partner and just acknowledging how much that, what a difference that can make. Yeah.

Eli Weinstein:
It is the easiest, I’m not even joking, is the easiest, simplest thing that you can do. And let me just break it down really quick to make it even easier for people. Okay. It’s just saying thank you. But I’ll give an example. It happened this morning. My wife did carpool to the first day of school today. She wanted to drop my daughter off. And my son had like his, he’s coming starting school tomorrow, and he had his thing with school to meet the teachers in the classroom. I didn’t have to do it. So thank you. There’s no love behind that. There’s no big affection. It’s just a simple logistical, hey, you did it, I didn’t have to, thank you. That’s where it starts. You did the dishes, I didn’t have to, thank you. And it’s the things that are talked about, expected, the roles, the routines, the rhythm of life. Say thank you to all the things that you didn’t have to do and someone else did. That’s where it starts. Then if you can mix in some love in your heart for it. Because you care about them and they care about you and want you to not have to do as much, or whatever the thing is that’s in your heart or on your head, that is the affection, love, that makes that thank you even more beautiful. My wife even jokes recently that I’ve conditioned her with so many thank yous that when someone doesn’t thank you for things that she does, she glitches. She’s like, wait, what happened? Right? Like, why didn’t someone thank me for what? Because it’s something that we implement in our household. Thank you for changing my daughter’s diaper. Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I? Thank you for holding the baby this morning. Well, I had to because you were out of the house. No, no, but thank you because you did a great job, or whatever it is, but I didn’t have to, and I was able to do this. Like that’s where the base is. You did it, I didn’t have to. Start there.

Debbie:
Yeah.

Eli Weinstein:
And all you’re doing, and this kind of dissipates a lot of resentment of couples of feeling seen for the efforts they’re making, not the perfection, but the efforts. Because if I see all that you’re doing and I’m actively saying to you, I see it, thank you, I see it. People feel so loved and so respected. And it’s such an easy thing to do. We’ll start there.

Debbie:
Yeah. I really appreciate that. And it also has a trickle down effect. So if you initiate it and you say it to your partner, I just imagine there’s gonna be this automatic kind of, you know, desire to like, well, I’m gonna start noticing too and reciprocate. So I really like that. So okay, we’re gonna wrap up. This has been such an interesting conversation and I will name your book again. It’s From I Do to We Do, Navigating Marriage in the Parenting Years. And it, you know, it is about parenting, but it is really about how we kind of stay connected to this person that we’re in this journey with. And there are lots of practical strategies and as you said, lots of stories that kind of bring it all to life, which is why I love reading books that are written that way as well. So where can people find you and connect with you if they want to go deeper?

Eli Weinstein:
Sure. So if you’re in certain states, I can work with you as a therapist, but I also do coaching for people who are out of those states or out of the country. You can find me on eliweinsteinlcsw.com or on Instagram, Eliweinstein underscore LCSW. Check out my podcast, The Dude Therapist. I’m a dude who happens to be a therapist. It is a podcast for everyone on mental health, self-help, and motivation. It was just a weird name that I came up with late night. Because like who the hell is Eli Weinstein and why would that be the Eli Weinstein show? So hacked onto something catchy five years ago and it stuck in my head. So those are the ways you can contact me. Please reach out. Like I answer every email, I answer every message. I’m not famous enough yet where I have an assistant or a robot. It’s me. So please ask questions. You’re not alone. Keep asking, keep searching, find things that work, find things that click and keep trying. Don’t say you can’t. Keep pushing and do it.

Debbie:
That’s great. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks for joining me today and everything that you shared. And I hope listeners, I’m sure they did, took away some just new perspectives in which they can look at their partner through and maybe show up differently in their relationship today. So thanks so much.

Eli Weinstein:
Thanks for having me.