11-year-old Asher Talks about What ADHD Feels Like

Debbie

I wanted to bring Asher into the conversation here on this podcast because he has a lot of thoughts and insights about all the stuff that we parents are trying to figure out. And for everyone out there who’s raising a neat kid, my hope is that our short conversations will in some way be interesting or helpful or thought provoking. My plan is to talk with Asher about all kinds of topics, things he’s working on current event strategies that fail or succeed, and really anything else that comes up in our world that feels like it would resonate with other families. For our first conversation, we talked about the issue of focus, which for a kid with pretty severe ADHD who is both inattentive and hyper focuses, and comes up a lot in the course of him doing schoolwork and creative projects. So Asher, this is our first recording that we’re doing for our podcast. Why? Yes, it is. And before we start, I wondered if you wanted to introduce yourself, so people know how old you are. And anything else you think is important for them to know.

Asher

Okay, well, I’m Asher, I am moving away from the microphone. And then I’m moving back. I’m 11 years old, and I live in Amsterdam and etc, etc, etc.

Debbie

Something you need to know about Asher is that he likes to move. So sitting still, like for a podcast interview, for example, it’s not so easy. You may notice some variations in his audio levels, as his position with a mic is pretty fluid. So Asher, the reason that I thought it was so interesting to invite you to participate in this podcast is because I think that a lot of parents would find your insight really interesting and potentially useful in their own lives, if they have children who are going through things, and the parents may not understand how to best help them or maybe not even really understand what it feels like for their child to be in certain situations or to be dealing with certain challenges. And I feel like your insight could be really helpful. So I thought …

Asher

Or maybe have kids who are way too awesome. Like what if they had a kid who was way too awesome, and they didn’t know how to act?

Debbie

That’s a good point. Well, what I was curious about what we could talk about today is that you and I have been having conversations lately about the idea of staying focused, and how you get distracted pretty easily. And you know what I know? That’s a huge problem for lots of kids. And I know there are lots of parents who really don’t really know how to best help their kid and they don’t understand why they’re getting distracted. And as I’m telling you this, you’re blinking your eyes.

Asher

You started it.

Debbie

Which makes me feel like you’re getting distracted. So distraction. Obviously this is a huge problem for kids who have trouble staying on task, whether it’s doing schoolwork or tying their shoes to get out the door or really doing just about anything. And while kids being distracted can be uber frustrating for teachers and parents. It took me a while to realize it’s not something that distracted kids themselves necessarily feel good about either. In our house distraction seems to be taking center stage these days when it comes to present challenges. And in the past year specifically, I’ve noticed Asha getting more and more upset with himself and his own distraction tendencies. Screw up his plans for what he wanted to accomplish. Like say he’s got a goal of completing a bunch of models in Photoshop before dinner for a mod he and his dad are making. But then he fell down the old YouTube rabbit hole. And by the time he came to the table for dinner, he realized he squandered all of his time and didn’t get any textures done. And this kind of thing happens a lot. And it’s a situation he finds incredibly frustrating. And I totally get it. I asked her if he could explain to me if he knows what the getting distracted process actually entails for him.

Asher

Well, normally I’m like, Hey, I think I’ll do this. And, and then, and then I’m like, Oh, cool. I had this open too, and then I go over to that. And then, and then I’m like, oh, no, but I also had this and I got hurt. And then I never get anything done.

Debbie

Are you aware that it’s happening in the moment?

Asher

Sometimes, like, sometimes I’ll just be like, Oh, crap. I, ah. And then I’ll feel too embarrassed to write that I just spent all my time and I didn’t get anything done.

Debbie

So you kind of noticed that afterwards? And then, yes, yeah. I feel like I’ve seen that happen. And I can tell you’re really, truly frustrated about that.

Asher

It’s because I’ve used all my time, and I haven’t accomplished what I meant to do with that time,

Debbie

And how does that feel?

Asher

Wow, that feels very, very, very annoyed. Yeah, no, annoying. I’m not sure how to say that. I know. We can’t say it feels annoyed.

Debbie

No. Feels annoying.

Asher

Yes, it does.

Debbie

I asked Asher if feeling annoyed was enough of a motivator to help him try something different next time, or work on not getting distracted in the future. You have the chin in your hand pondering pose at the moment? Are you considering your response?

Asher

Yes. What was the question again? I lost focus in imitating the thinker.

Debbie

Hmm. My question was, what do you do with that frustration? Is it motivating for you to make a change?

Asher

Partially? Right? Why? Because you don’t want to be frustrated, and then do the exact same thing next time. Right, like, I want to make a change, but I don’t actually do it but I still lose focus. I’m like, I’m planning to do that. And then I lose focus. And I’m like, it’s only one I’m, it’s only when I don’t think about losing focus. And when I don’t lose focus, then I actually get focused work done.

Debbie

Say that again?

Asher

When I’m not thinking about losing focus and getting distracted. I don’t think about things that are distracting. So if I don’t think about that, and then I end up not losing focus, then I end up getting focused work done.

Debbie

That’s very interesting. Is that something you consciously choose to do? Or does it just happen?

Asher

Sometimes, yeah, happens like, I’d say, like four, six of the time, otherwise known as two thirds of the time, otherwise known as zero have what 666666666666666.

Debbie

Right now we’re spending a lot of time addressing this issue of focus, like, it’s one of our major scales we’re trying to build. Last year, we made these little planning sheets, where Asher would write down his primary personal goal that he wanted to accomplish that day, and then he would check in on it as the day progressed. That worked for a while, didn’t it? Yeah.

Asher

Yeah, totally did.

Debbie

Why are you shaking your head? No, it didn’t work. It worked for a while, but it seems like it stopped working. Yeah. So what we’re doing now, is we have created screentime planning worksheets, right? Yes, we have, do you think you could just explain what a screentime planner worksheet is and how you’re using it,

Asher

there are like, there are six bubbles one one for each half hour, though. If you have more or less you can add more or less. Right. And then in the afternoon, I get to write my primary goal and my secondary goals, right. And basically, I work on the primary goal when I’ve done that, or if I can’t, can’t like to say I was, I was doing something and I needed inspiration that I would go do the second goal, right.

Debbie

What about the concept of time like, how are…

Asher

Yeah, I have a timer that goes off every 30 minutes. And every time I do that, I’m like, Hmm, can I spend another? Can I spend another bubble? Oh, good. I can. Well, then I’ll reset this timer and I’ll fill that out.

Debbie

So do you feel like that strategy’s working for now? Yes.

Asher

Except for the fill that out part. I’m filling it out in my head.

Debbie

Mm hmm. Do you feel like it’s not as effective when you do it in your head?

Asher

Yes. Because I have lost, like 15 minutes on a number of occasions. Because I was just like, oh, yeah, I have another one, then I’m like, No, I went 10 minutes extra.

Debbie

Definitely feels like a work in progress. So in case you didn’t get that, the screentime planning worksheet basically breaks down his allotted screen time for the day into 30 minute blocks of time. Before he begins a block of time. His job is to consciously decide how he wants to spend that time, what he wants to accomplish during it and then set a 30 minute timer. Then once the timer goes off, he has to fill in the corresponding bubble for that time block and determine if he has time for another 30 minute block. If so, he needs to consciously plan how he wants to use that time, and so on. By the way, I’m including a downloadable PDF for this iteration of the screen time planner in the show notes in case you want to see what it looks like and adapt it for your own needs. But yes, to reiterate, figuring out how to help Asher develop the neuro muscles to stay focused and reach his goals is definitely still a work in progress. With Asher I know enough by now to embrace a strategy when it’s working, use the heck out of it. And then when it stops working, which it nearly always does, tweak it or adapt it or in some cases, just toss it out and start from scratch with a new approach. The screentime planning worksheets seem to be working for now. But I’ll check back in with Asher in a few weeks to reassess and make sure it’s still helping him stay focused. Well, I want to thank you for chatting with me today. You’re welcome. Is there anything else you want to add about this idea of staying focused or getting distracted easily?

Asher

It’s very annoying when you get distracted.

Debbie

Yeah. Do you feel like you’re going to be able to figure out a strategy that will help us stay more focused?

Asher

Yes, eventually.