How Can I Take Care of Myself While in Burnout & Raising Explosive Children?​(Listener Question)

Debbie:

Hey everybody today I am being joined by parent coach Margaret Webb for this Parent Lean In episode. And if you’ve listened to the show for a while, you’ve definitely heard me talk about Margaret as she is a dear friend. She was my very first parenting coach and she’s the lead parent coach in the differently wired club where she supports the parents in that community just so beautifully. Also this past year, she published the book that I have personally been clamoring for for years in which she shares just so much thoughtful, supportive, hard -won wisdom. It’s called A Hero’s Journey in Parenting, Parenting the Child You Didn’t Expect When You Were Expecting. And if you haven’t read it, I highly encourage you to grab that. Listen to our podcast conversation about that. You can find that at tiltparenting.com slash/361. So welcome, Margaret. Thank you for being here.

Margaret Webb:

I’m so excited to be here. I love these conversations.

Debbie:

Awesome. I do too. We were just discussing how we need to take this on the road. listeners, if you want that, let us know. But we have another great question to get into today. It’s one I think a lot of listeners will relate to based on feedback that I get from listeners and from folks in the Differently Wired Club. So here goes. 

I’m a single parent, neurodivergent myself and in burnout. I’m trying to manage my two neurodivergent kids following a divorce from their much beloved but profoundly limited ex -husband. I’m trying to create a safe, stable household and support my own fragile mental health and grief while working full -time. Self -care sounds great and whereas I understand deeply that it’s the only way forward, it feels impossible.

And a little context, this parent has nine and 11 year old kids. She says they take out their anger on each other and that the household feels explosive. So we’re going to take a quick break now and then we’ll come right back and we’ll share our answers for this really powerful question.

Okay, and we’re back. And so again, the question is from a single neurodivergent parent who is in burnout and who knows that she would benefit from self care to support her own mental health, but it also feels impossible at the same time. So this is a topic that I love to talk about. So I’m excited to get into it. And I guess I wanted to just start by first of all, making sure that we’re all on the same page about what self -care is. Because it’s just one of those things that I think there’s a lot of myths or misunderstanding. And as a concept, it seems to just, it has a lot of ideas attached that I don’t think are necessarily helpful. So the way that I define self -care is that it is something intentional. That’s the first part, it’s intentional. And the second part is that you do it just for you. So you do it to support yourself. So you’re intentionally supporting yourself. I also call this conscious maintenance because that doesn’t have the same kind of stigma as self care does. So if we’re talking about self care, then one of the things I would recommend first is really getting honest about what is getting in the way of self care. Like what are the actual barriers? What are the beliefs? What is the self talk? Is it, I don’t have enough time. I’m too tired. I can’t afford to do this. I don’t deserve to do this. Like we might have all kinds of messaging about why self care isn’t happening that we need to bring to the surface because we wanna challenge those ideas, right? We wanna, because they’re subconsciously you know, driving the ship, they’re, they’re kind of these unexamined truths, like, well, I can’t do it. Like, I know I need to, it’s impossible. And then we just kind of keep, you know, plugging along. So we want to ask ourselves, why does it feel impossible? And come up with evidence for any ideas you come up with, any beliefs, any thoughts you have around why it’s impossible, come up with evidence for how those may not be true. Again, because they can be habitual if we’re not challenging them. So that’s the first thing. Just kind of got to understand what is getting in the way. the other thing I just want to start with, and then I’m going to, I’m going to, go back and forth on this one because I want to give you time to respond and share your initial thoughts. But I just think it’s so important that we believe and truly know that there is no way that we can show up as our best selves to parent these kids if we are not regulated, if we’re not taking care of ourselves. It’s just, it can’t happen. Like it’s literally an impossibility. So we really want to help ourselves think about that this is just as critical, if not more, a critical parenting strategy as anything else you might read or any approaches we might have or conversations we would have with our kids or, you know, points to anything that we would do. This is as if not more important than that. It is not separate from any parenting strategies that we might use. So I just want to throw that out there too, because I think a lot of us think it’s an optional thing, or it’s a nice to have, it’s something that people have a privilege to be able to take advantage of, or it’s just not accessible and available to everyone. And I think we need to change our relationship with it across the board. So I’m going to pause there, because I want to see what came up for you initially with this question, Margaret.

Margaret Webb:

What you just said is what my whole book is about. It is essentially what the whole book is about because yes, it is taking care of ourselves and I think there can be discomfort, especially so this person said that there’s some grief. They’ve gotten a divorce or they’ve separated or there’s, like there’s been a massive shift in what the family dynamics are. And so there is grief. And so of course it might feel super uncomfortable to sit still, to take care of yourself in the smallest of ways. So like, that’s what, you know, one of the things that came up for me was just like, self -care, yeah, it sounds great but it feels impossible. So think of the smallest thing that would feel, know, that would feel nourishing for yourself. That feels like this is what I’m needing. And if you don’t, you know, if you can’t give it to yourself, that’s what you’re talking about. Like get curious about why not? Because, and some of it might be that there’s grief or that there’s uncomfortable feelings that come up and being able to, and that’s why I’ve got a whole section on processing emotions because it’s like, once you get still, then, or once you start taking care of yourself, those thoughts can come up of, I don’t deserve this, or I can’t do this, or I’m feeling angry, and how do I sit here and be grateful, or like sit here and like appreciate the beauty of the sunrise when I’m feeling angry? They’re all allowed. Those things are totally allowed. And you’re right, like that has to happen first because our kids are so sensitive to our energy. Like everybody’s sensitive to everybody’s energy. It’s like somebody says, how are you doing? I’m fine. Okay, like you’re gonna feel that prickly energy and be like, okay, like we should probably back away from this person because they’re not fine.

And our kids are picking up on that all of the time. And so, you know, when you say like, I feel like our house is explosive or it feels like, you know, that’s the energy. What I like to follow is just, you know, like, okay, like what, A, you know, how do I get myself that, how do I take care of myself and my stuff? And then, you know, I wrote down like, you know, can you bring your kids in? I like to follow a process, the Tiant process, like what’s causing you tension in your life? What is your intention? What is a tension that you can give to the situation that you’re feeling challenged with? And then the NT is no or less tension or no tension, but that’s not really realistic. But I think when you really sit down and think, okay, and there are nine and 11, I think they’re at an age where you can say, you know what, I’m not liking how things are going. That would be the tension. Like I’m not liking that you guys are kind of, you know, taking your anger out on each other. A sidebar to that is like, is there therapy for them? Like, are they working with therapists, even if it’s an OT to kind of get that angry energy out, like even telling them, hey, like we need to get some of this angry energy out because they’re taking it out on each other or me. To that sidebar, but then back to the tie -in process, but it’s like, okay, hey guys, this isn’t, I’m feeling this. And this is how I want our house to feel. That’s the intention, this is what I’m wanting. And then the attention is like, what can we do? Or what have we done? What are we currently doing? What would you like to see different so that we can create more of maybe the peace and calm. Like when I think of the opposite of explosive, it’s like peace, calm, maybe more ease. How do we do that? And maybe say like, okay, like let’s schedule a fun dinner every week and we can see like, how did we do this week? And that way then you become, like the three of you become a team where you’re all working together towards a common intention, a common goal and not being a shaming experience of like, well, this didn’t work. It’s just like, okay, it didn’t work, great.

Debbie:

Right.

Margaret Webb:

What can we do differently next time or this next week? But like combining a fun experience of like, know, maybe getting takeout, you know, everybody may be alternating, people get to pick takeout and having it be a positive experience to go over some of these things so that you’re kind of whittling away at getting back to how you want your home and your family life to feel.

Debbie:

Good stuff. Good stuff. And thank you for sharing the Tiant strategy. I always love it when you bring that up in our conversation. So it’s powerful.

Margaret Webb:

I use it, I use it all the time.

Debbie:

Yeah, that’s great. I’m gonna share a couple other things that came up for me too before we wrap up. So I love that you said tiny and small. I wrote “start as small as humanly possible.” If we’re thinking about creating some new habits, right? Because if you’re not doing anything self -care wise, you may need to form some new habits so that it becomes something that is more automatic or a default for you in the way that you go through your day. And so one of the things I wanted to suggest is attaching a new self -care habit to something you already are doing. Like my hunch is you shower regularly, right? So in the shower, can you add in the self -care conscious maintenance act of taking some deep breaths? Or can you sing a song on or off key, it’s totally up to you. Can you cry in the shower? Can you, you know, to have an emotional release? But you’re already taking a shower, most likely, not necessarily every day you do you. But if it’s something that you’re habitually doing, what could you build into that? It’s easier to start a habit when you’re connecting it to something. Same with like, who…

Margaret Webb:

A silent scream. A silent scream in the shower. So it’s just when you stand there and you just open your mouth and you’re like…it’s just as though you’re screaming, but you’re not letting any sound up, but you’re letting like the energy. And so if there’s frustration around something that can be self care too, is letting that out. they’re like, I mean, I love how many things are exploding in my brain just about taking a shower. Cause it’s like allowing yourself to smell the soap, like getting into your senses, like allowing yourself to feel like the warm water on your, I mean, even that, like that can be the smallest of things, but it’s like, Ooh, like when was, you know, and that for me was a big thing. Cause it was like back when I was starting my journey, it was like, I was using the, you know, soap and shampoo that I hated. And it was like, I spent a lot of time just like wandering the shampoo aisle to pick or the soap aisle to pick smells that I liked and I would stand there and I would, you know, in the shower and it would be like, I would allow myself just for that moment to smell what I was putting on my body.

Debbie:

That’s exactly it. I mean, that’s how small we’re talking about. So I think all those things reinforce the idea that we matter, which is really what self care is about, right? It’s about reminding ourselves that we have value, that we matter, that we need to take care of ourselves so we can show up for other people. So I love that. And we can do the same thing with anything else, right, that we habitually do, brushing our teeth, cooking, right? If you’re cooking or straightening up, like listen to a song that you love. That’s one of my strategies that I do all the time. So creating a new habit, tying it with something you already do. And then the last thing I wanted to share is, you know, as I read this question, you know, I really felt this sense of the person really struggling with overwhelm and grief. And my hunch is that her nervous system is also pretty shot where she’s just feeling very depleted and fried. And it made me wonder, is there also something that the listener could commit to doing that could kind of kickstart her system, right? If she’s already at a deficit and is feeling completely burned out and shutdown, is there something to kind of help you physiologically get to a more grounded or regulated place. And I’m just gonna share it. Over the past year, I went through a significant chunk of time where I was really in that space. I was operating in this hypervigilance all the time and really feeling completely depleted. My anxiety was high, my energy was low. I had no capacity to really respond with calm. And I really felt like I needed, you know, I was doing all the things on paper that I knew how to do in my self care stuff, but I, my baseline was so low. And so one of the things that I did… actually two things I did. One was that I, you know, my therapist is like, find a yoga class that you go to in person. She also said, make sure it smells good. That was one of her, she’s like, it’s very important if you’re going to go back. So I found a restorative yoga class that I committed to going to once a week just once a week, it was hard to get myself out there sometimes, but I did it. And then I also did acupuncture and I was able to get my insurance to help pay for it, but I did acupuncture that was really, it was just to try to get my nervous system, it was to send support and that helped me kind of get out of that chronic fight or flight cycle and then I was more available to doing the other things or those other self care, even the little things would have more of an impact because I kind of elevated my baseline. So I just wanted to throw that out there too, if there’s a way to support yourself externally that can help you get back online. anything that you wanna add before we wrap up Margaret?

Margaret Webb:

No, I just think the only thing I would add, it’s not even an ad, it’s just a curiosity as you were talking. It’s just how interesting it is that sometimes we can feel like it’s coming from our kids. And it’s the nudge and kind of the what’s perfect about this experience of having things feel explosive or having, feeling like your kids are just kind of nudging and prompting this all is that it does nudge you to take care of yourself.

Debbie:

True, it’s one of the many gifts, right? At the end of the day, yeah, for sure. Well, thank you. I think that’s a great note to end this on. I hope the answers that we provided and the insights were helpful for the listener and for everyone listening. I hope you took something away from this conversation. So thanks to the person who submitted this question and thank you, Margaret, for joining me to walk through it. All right, bye everybody.

Margaret Webb:

Thank you.