Kristina Kuzmic Debunks “Parenting Truths” That Keep Parents Stuck and in Crisis Mode

Debbie:

Hey, Kristina, welcome to the podcast.

Kristina Kuzmic:

Hi, thank you so much for having me.

Debbie:

I’m so looking forward to this conversation. I loved your book and I want to get into all the concepts. But before we do that, there might be listeners who aren’t familiar with you in the world. You have a big presence in the world and a huge social media following as well. So I know listeners will be, some listeners will definitely be very excited to hear from you. But I would love if you could take us a little bit inside your personal story of how you found yourself kind of doing the pivot, because you were writing and speaking and having this big presence about kind of the highs and lows of what you call your seriously flawed life, which is so relatable and so focused on you. And now you’ve kind of pivoted in this current focus, which is using that same authentic, humorous, personal approach, but to talk about what’s happening in your family life and specifically what happened with your son Luka. So could you talk about that pivot, that shift in direction that you made and why that happened?

Kristina Kuzmic:

Sure. So I started making videos years ago. Really never thought it would be a career. Because I wanted to be for others what I needed when I was at my lowest. And that sort of became like a mission statement to me. And years ago, I was divorced with two little kids. I was on food stamps. I was struggling. And I really hated myself. And so I just started making videos that I needed at the time. You know, I needed other mothers to be honest about how hard motherhood can be and how hard life can be and that it’s OK that we make mistakes and we’re not perfect. And then my son started struggling and I have this rule with my family. I will never share anything about them. Not even a family photo, unless everybody’s approved. So I never thought that I would share this part publicly because my son’s always been a private person. And so I continue making these videos to make others laugh. And you know, they were helpful and therapeutic to me also, but behind the scenes we’re dealing with a kid who’s suicidal and I’m feeling clueless. And then eventually, he said, mom, you know, I think I should do a video with you. I don’t, you know, this isn’t something I want to do regularly, but I just feel like it helped me to hear from other teens. So maybe if I speak publicly, it’ll help another teen who feels alone because kids are always hearing from adults in their life, right? Parents, doctors, teachers. And so we made this video and that’s what led to the book. And he gave me his input all along the way. And my son even actually wrote the last chapter. But what’s interesting about that is that without even realizing it at the time, it continued sort of my mission statement of I want to be for others what I needed when I was at my lowest.

Debbie:

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I mean, what I was so struck by because, you know, certainly the space that I’m in and the families I talk with, you’re talking about something that so many families are experiencing, but most families feel so alone in it. Because of privacy issues, they feel like they can’t talk to many people about what’s going on. There’s stigma. There’s a fear, there’s shame, there’s all of those things. And then that further isolates us, which is why this to me felt like such, it is a gift that you’re able to share this with people because you’re tackling things I think so many people just are not talking about. And it is really heavy, devastating stuff to go through.

Kristina Kuzmic:

Yeah. I mean, it’s, you know, a few, I don’t know, weeks or months, after I signed the contract with my publisher, I was ready to quit because I was in that mindset of like, we’re finally in a little bit of a better place. Why am I now forcing myself to go back and relive this? I mean, it’s even that just felt so traumatic, but what you just mentioned, the fact that people don’t talk about opening the fact that there is still shame. That’s the stuff that really kept me going. And even in my son’s chapter, he addresses that. And one thing I’ve noticed, so I’m on tour now and I talk very openly in my show about mental health and at the meet and greets after almost every person that approaches me has a story. They’ve been struggling. Their child was struggling, their spouse and not just little struggles. We’re talking serious, you know, societal ideation, serious stuff. And that’s my one goal. And I would say my son’s also with this book, is let’s just talk about it openly. I truly believe that shame is what is destroying so many families and what is killing so many of our children. We have to get rid of the shame.

Debbie:

Yeah, I couldn’t agree more. Could you tell us a little bit before we get more into the story as well about the timeline? Because again, the fact that Luke was such a willing participant of this, I think makes it so powerful. And it’s so helpful to hear his perspective because he can share very honestly and candidly about what he was experiencing. And that’s such incredible insight. So how long ago did this all happen and kind of where are you today in that healing process?

Kristina Kuzmic:

Sure. So I mean, he was 13 when I noticed changes, but I, instead of coming from a place of curiosity, came from a place of assumption, probably one of my first mistakes was like, teenage hormones. I know how to deal with this. And then at 14, when he was 14 was the first time he admitted that he had thought about hurting himself. So this was, he’s turning 21 this summer. So this is like six, almost seven years ago.

Debbie:

Okay. All right. That’s helpful. And would you, you know, your book is, I mean, it’s kind of a, how would you define it? I think it was like a prescriptive memoir, because it’s really your story, but it has really practical, you know, kind of takeaways in your, the way that you’ve structured it, how would you classify it?

Kristina Kuzmic:

I mean, really for me, I just wanted to share a story in a really blunt way and not sugarcoat anything. And in fact, there were so many things that anybody that reads it will know. They’ll be like, my gosh, did she have his permission to write this? Every single time I asked him like, hey, should I not include this story? Because his depression often showed up as anger and rage. And he did a lot of things that parents might be shocked by. And every time I asked him, he said, no, write it. Because if we’re going to do our story, let’s do it honestly. And so I just thought of it that way. And I didn’t, the one thing I really didn’t want, and I hope no reader feels, I didn’t want to come from a place of like, I have it figured out. Here’s all my advice because I’m still learning. I will never have it all figured out. And so I purposely wrote it in, I don’t use any you, like you, the reader should try this. I purposely wrote it all in, you know, sort of almost like I was writing a diary.

Debbie:

And it comes off that way really feels very personal. And I don’t want to go into, you know, I want listeners to read your full story. But could you give us kind of like you said, you know, you were at 13, you started realizing what was going on in terms of the suicidal ideation. Could you kind of give us just the overview of the story that you guys went through together because it got very intense and it was a lot for all of you to navigate as a family.

Kristina Kuzmic:

Yeah. So when I found out that he had had a lot of suicidal thoughts and, you know, that obviously it was a lot more serious than I even realized. We got him a therapist and took him to a psychiatrist and all that stuff. And, you know, the antidepressant wasn’t a quick magical fix and therapy wasn’t a quick magical fix. So he decided to start numbing with drugs and alcohol, really mostly drugs and stealing pain pills from people and stealing money from us and other people in order to be able to buy things, buy drugs. And again, like I mentioned earlier, his depression often showed up as anger. So he was punching holes in the wall. His self harm usually was punching tiles. His knuckles were always bloody. It was just very chaotic. He would scream awful things. I felt like I was emotionally abused for a few years. I mean, it was just really intense. And at one point I had to call the police on him. And that was sort of a moment in my life where I was like, wow, this was something nobody could have prepared me for. You have a little baby. And I was like, hey, someday you’re going to be calling the police on your child. And they took him in for a psychiatric hold. He ended up in a psychiatric hospital and later a residential center, a treatment center. And then again, a few years later, back to a residential treatment center. So it was just like years of up and down. And I write in the book how, my goodness, here it is, like, here’s the new answer. And I get my hopes up and things would look good for a few days. And then it would be awful again. And I think a lot of parents of kids who are struggling can relate to that. You get your hopes up and I’m getting teary -eyed just talking about it, but things get better. And you’re like, yes, yes, yes, we’re finally, you know, at a turning point. And then all of a sudden we’re back. You know, it feels like we’re back to the beginning. and I read how, you know, everybody was like, setbacks are normal. Setbacks are normal. I was like, okay, to me, setback is, two steps forward, one step back. I felt like we were speeding in reverse with fail breaks all the time. So that’s the very Cliff note, very general sort of summary of what we went through. But then eventually through a lot of support groups, but also a lot of me just working on me, on myself, because all my focus was like he’s the problem or he’s the, I don’t even want to say problem, he’s the one that has this issue and we need to fix it. And going, wait, what on heel parts of myself am I bringing into this? And how is this affecting the relationship? That’s when things really start to shift for us.

Debbie:

Yeah, yeah, it is. It’s so powerful. And again, I can feel that kind of emotional roller coaster of you think things are better. And you know, I’ve experienced in my life that that whiplash that almost like, is it okay to trust that things are getting better and like to let your nervous system calm down and then something happens and then you’re kicked right back there so quickly. And then it’s, that hypervigilance is exhausting, it’s incredibly stressful, and the stakes are so high.

Kristina Kuzmic:

Yeah. Yeah. And I would, you know, when you say hypervigilance, I would, you know how when you have a newborn baby and they’re just so still when they’re sleeping. And so at least I did, I know a lot of my friends would, we would put our face close to our baby’s sleeping face just to, just to feel their breath, to make sure they were still breathing and okay. I used to go into my son’s bedroom multiple times during the night when he was 15, 16, 17, and I would put my face close to make sure that he hadn’t taken his, that he was still breathing. So it was all consuming. It was all day, all night. My mission was how do we not just keep h im alive, how do we make him want to live? How do we make him realize that he can have a good life?

Debbie:

Yeah, it’s so powerful. And I just appreciate you sharing this. It’s, again, what I know so many people are experiencing. And to hear someone talk about it openly makes everybody feel less alone in this. So one question I wanted to ask before we get into your book is, you know, just as you were describing what you’re going through and you know, in those really, really challenging years, who were you turning to? Like, how did you I mean, I know, in your book, you’re kind of talking about some of the things that you navigated, but what was it that ultimately that helped you get through that most difficult time.

Kristina Kuzmic:

I mean, I have incredible friends. I write in the book how one time Luca ran away from home and it was during the time where he was just lying, he was stealing and, and, you know, he was even threatening violence. So he runs away and I’m thinking the worst. And my friend who has four children of her own and a very busy life showed up. my gosh, I could cry. She showed up to my house. I didn’t even ask her to show up. I just, she got my text that if, if, you know, you hear anything from Luca, please like let me know. He ran away and he showed up. She showed up. It was probably midnight. And she said, I’m just going to sit with you. We don’t have to talk. I’m just going to sit with you. And it was the most beautiful thing I think a friend can do by the way, if anybody’s listening, they’re like, how do I support my friend? She didn’t try to make me feel better. She didn’t try to give me some hope because that doesn’t work when you’re panicked. She just sat with me while I cried. so I had a lot of really wonderful supportive friends. I also was in, you know, I was going to support groups, which I highly recommend for everyone. Please find a support group, whether it’s online or in person. and if there isn’t one, try to start one. I know you’re already overwhelmed and busy, but support groups were life -changing both for me and for my son. and we were in family therapy, but here’s the thing. After Luca started to get better, that’s when  I felt like I actually got worse. And I was like, what is going on? He’s better. I should, this is good. And what I realized is I had PTSD. I had witnessed way too many scary things and all those, you know, the support groups and groups that read, that was all great. But the way I compare it is kind of like when you sort of clean your house just enough so you can live in it, you know, but there’s still so much deep cleaning and there’s so many drawers to get, you know, go through. And I never did that. I just took care of myself enough so that I could function. And so after I went into individual therapy, I didn’t like just really, again, open those drawers and dug through all that stuff that needed to be dealt with and organized. And so that’s one thing I would recommend to anybody, even if you are in amazing support groups and you’re in a group there, I mean, in a family therapy with your child and you have amazing friends, please, please, please, if you can do it, get your own individual therapy. You need it even when you’re doing okay.

Debbie:

Yeah. I so appreciate that reminder. And I think it is something so many people don’t do, especially when they’re in the trenches with kids who are struggling. Not only does all the energy go there, but that idea that when our kids then get better, we have all this unresolved stuff. And it’s not something, I mean, you can power through it, but it’s not good for you. It’s not good for your health. It’s not good for your longevity or well -being. I mean, this, this, again, hypervigilance takes a real toll and the trauma experience takes a real toll if you don’t, if you don’t deal with it. So thanks for that reminder. So, go ahead. No, go ahead.

Kristina Kuzmic:

And I always tell parents, you know, if you don’t have enough, you know, will or whatever to do it for yourself, right. Because you’re so focused on your kid, then do it as a gift to them. Because what happened with me is my son started to get better, but I wasn’t better. So I’m approaching every conversation with them with fear. And every time he does anything that in my definition of normal and healthy, my definition, not, not the real definition, but whatever I decide in that moment feels normal and healthy to me, isn’t happening. I am freaking out. And even if I’m not saying anything to him, freaking out our kids sense our energy. And so if you’re like, no, I don’t want to take time out for myself, which by the way, every parent should. But if you’re not there yet in your journey, do it as a gift to your child. One of the things my son actually wrote in his chapter is that it was really not helpful to him when I came from a place of fear. And I knew that on my own level, I figured that out, but I didn’t realize that he had even figured that out and sensed it. And it’s true because when I, every time I came from a place of fear and operated from a place of fear, I was giving the world and Luca, the worst version of myself. You cannot give your best version to anybody or your healthiest version or the best, be the best support system when you’re coming from a place of fear. Anyway, that’s so hard not to do when your child is struggling, my goodness.

Debbie:

Yeah, I just wrote down that’s Jedi level stuff right there. Like it’s really, really challenging to do, but it’s so important. Okay. So I just want to talk about all the things, but I do want to talk about your book. So your book is called, I Can Fix This and Other Lies I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child. And I loved the structure of your book. Each chapter is a lie that you told yourself or that you believed in that really kind of kept your family stuck while you were believing it. So I’d love to know a little bit more about why you structured the book in this way, even from a writing perspective, like how did that come to you? And why did that make sense to unfold it that way?

Kristina Kuzmic:

Sure. So, you know, I think most of us grow up and have kids and rely and believe that a good parent sees a problem, sees your kid is suffering or struggling or whatever, and we figure out a way to fix it. That’s what a good parent does. And so when my kids are struggling, I was like, okay, let’s do this. We’ll get a therapist, we’ll get a doctor, we’ll get this, we’ll get that. I really sort of convinced myself that I had more control than I did.

And what I realized is the control that I thought I had, convincing myself I had control is what caused so much self abuse. Because if you think you can control something, then when things don’t turn out well, well, it’s all your fault, right? Because you were supposed to know how to control it. And so throughout the journey, I had to realize, wow, there are a lot of lies that I’m believing. You know, I can control it. I can fix it. Good mothers are selfless was a big one. Like I just need to pour all of me into him and I’ll be happy when he’s happy. I’ll enjoy my life. You know, so many things that I dress in the book. So I sort of structured the book in a way that felt most authentic to me. And now since then, a lot of people that have been able to read it can relate to it. Cause I think it’s just, I think it’s probably relatable to every parent, whatever, even if your story is completely different than ours, we just want to make it better. We just want to make it better. And it’s hard to accept that you don’t have all that.

Debbie:

Right, right. And I’m just curious, where do you, in your opinion, where do these lies come from? Like, why are they so much a part of how we unconsciously kind of operate? We’re just on autopilot, assuming this is the way things are. I can fix things. I can do all these things.

Kristina Kuzmic:

I think part of it comes from the way some of us were raised because, you know, our generation, I think, I hope is a lot more honest about, hey, I don’t know what I’m doing. And I don’t actually enjoy motherhood every single day, even though I love my kids every single day. Like, I think we’re a lot more open where we grew up and it was just, you know, our parents just, we just thought our parents knew, you know, our parents were God and they just could figure it out. We didn’t even, I didn’t even realize my mom was struggling, you know, to figure it out. So I think part of it is that when we have a child, out of everything else we have going on in our life, this is the one thing we just really want to get right. Because we love our children so much. We love them so much. We put this awful unrealistic pressure on ourselves to know things that no one has taught us to do, to know things we’ve never done before, to, you know, just figure it all out. And then a third aspect, which is huge, is the pressure from society. Well, a good mother is going to know how to help her child. A good mother’s gonna figure it out. What are you stupid? Are you inadequate? You know, like all those thoughts start abusing us. So I think it comes from all sorts of places, but it turns into this big stew of self abuse, I feel like.

Debbie:

Yeah, and when you have a child who’s struggling in ways that, you know, maybe our friends’ kids aren’t, it’s hard to not question and think, is this something I did wrong? Is this a wrong choice that we made? Like if I had only done this and you know, there can be a lot of regret as well. When you’re, I call this like, I would say we’re the kind of the wingsuit flyers of parenting because it’s a very extreme sport. And it’s not something that I think a lot of parents just get if they’re not, if their kids aren’t demanding this level of showing up for them. Yeah.

Kristina Kuzmic:

And then I think, well, I write in the book how after I, the police took my son away, I’m laying in bed. I can’t even think straight except for one loop that’s going on in my head. And it’s, what did I do wrong? Was I too strict? Was I, was I, would I encourage him enough in his talents? You know, is it this, is it that, is it because I got divorced when he was little? I mean, just on and on. And I, all of a sudden that night, just, I said it out loud. I said, no thank you. And it became sort of a thing that I do all the time when these abusive thoughts enter my, I was basically, no, thank you. I’m not picking up that baggage. I’m not picking up that suitcase. I’m not picking up that abuse because if I pick that up and that becomes my focus, then my focus can’t be where it needs to be. If I’m too busy beating myself up, then that takes way too much energy away from where it actually needs to be. Yeah, that’s very relatable. I mean, we just immediately blame ourselves. We immediately blame ourselves. And also the other part that’s, I think, really abusive is we start looking around and going, why is my family struggling? They’re not. And maybe even worse, that other family was struggling, but they figured it out. And their kid was away after a few months, and it’s been five years, and my kid is still struggling. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with my family? What’s wrong with my parenting? Right? And I mean, it’s … we can be so cruel to ourselves. And the sad thing is we’re the most cruel to ourselves when life is really hard. That’s when we get really cruel to ourselves.

Debbie:

Yeah. And that’s when we need the most self -compassion. And I love no thank you. That’s just very clear and simple. So I really appreciate that. And by thinking that we could have had a different outcome if we’d made different choices is really going back to what you talked about, which is actually the second line in your book is that I am in control. That it’s this idea that we could have control, that we can control things. And we know that we can’t.

All right, so we can’t go into all of the lies in the book, but there are a couple I wanted to dive into a little more deeply. One is the one I just mentioned, I am in control. And, you know, on a personal level, that’s very relatable, but that’s a theme I hear from so many people that, you know, us not being able to fix our kids is a sign that we’re, there’s something wrong with us. So could you just spend a few minutes talking more about that idea of control and maybe the damage it does and how do we kind of reframe our brain or retrain our brain to realize that we don’t actually have control over anything.

Kristina Kuzmic:

Yeah. I mean, again, I think our intentions are good, right? It all comes from a good place. We love our children so much. Of course. Of course I want to control my son and not have him struggling. Of course I want to control him not having to like, of course. But I had to, again, first, like I mentioned before, I had to realize that that is one of the cruelest things I can do, not just to him constantly trying to control him. Cause then you’re coming from a place of fear. You just are. If you’re trying to control him, but also, how cruel it was to me because then every time something doesn’t turn out the way I tried to control it. See, it’s my fault because I should have been able to control that. and what I, the, the thing I came to, and it took me years and I’m just so every listener I was, I don’t have any of this mastered. I still struggle, struggle daily. But one thing I realized is that I cannot in every interaction with my child, I have to make a choice whether to, to control or connect. I cannot do both. I tried it, I cannot do both because control always pulls me out of range of connection. And so still today, my son is turning 21 this summer and still, you know, something will happen and, and, or I’ll see his mood is different or something and that I’ll freak out. And I just have to sort of stop and tell myself, okay, Christina, you want to control the crap out of this, which by the way, it’s not going to work. That outcome is never positive. Or do you want to connect? And once I realized that I was slowing my breath, you know, calming down myself before I even entered the conversation and choosing to connect. That’s where we actually start to see progress. So control kept me stuck. And I think it’s like anything, right? Once you start to see the results, you’re more motivated. So that’s what’s helped me a lot is just always reminding myself you want to control or connect and how to control work for you in the past. Not so great.

Debbie:

Yeah, right. Yeah, and I imagine control and fear feels safe in many ways, right? So it is kind of a default for our brains. But so it might feel uncomfortable then to be like, OK, I’m not going to focus on that. I’m going to focus on connection. But then, as you say, the results, you’re getting a lot of evidence that that’s actually a lot more. It feels better for everybody and it’s a lot more effective. And I just wonder if control is, do you see that as being, as having an agenda? Is that a form of control, like going into an interaction with an agenda or with a hoped for outcome?

Kristina Kuzmic:

Sure. You know, when I operate from a place of control, which is completely fueled by my fear and anxiety, right? I become like a domineering puppeteer. I know the outcome I want. So now I’m going to try every single way to get that outcome. And again, our intentions as parents are good. They’re always good, right? So we’re coming from a good place. We’re just so lost. And here’s the other thing that I struggle with, and I think this is probably what a lot of parents feel. I felt like control was sort of a sign to myself that I care and I’m trying and I’m being proactive. If I don’t try to control this. Now, of course, I never called it control at the time. None of us go, I’m a control freak, right? We’re just like, no, I’m getting stuff done. I’m making sure to check all the boxes, make sure we’re doing all the right stuff. So I never thought of it as control, but it kept me believing that I am a mom who cares. And if I don’t act this way, then I’m lazy. I’m passive. I don’t care what kind of a mother wouldn’t try to, you know, just hyper -focus and do everything to fix. So I had to accept that, no, that, that, that does not mean I’m a bad mom. If I stopped trying to control it, it means I’m a healthier mom. If anything.

Debbie:

Yeah. Yeah. That’s great. There’s another lie that I really loved and I would love to go into a little deeper. It’s lie number seven. And it was that information leads to clarity. And that to me was so powerful. And that’s not something I think a lot of us talk about. I get questions all the time. What do I do? How do I do this? What med? What people want the information so that they can, you know, fix, fix the problem. But, say more about this idea, this myth that having all the information is going to lead to clarity.

Kristina Kuzmic:

Yeah. So my son was first diagnosed with depression and nothing was helping. And so, you know, I went into again, control mode and we did every test. We did all this stuff. And I remember sitting in, got him into this program at UCLA with these, you know, doctors who would meet with them once a week and then they would discuss and, you know, it was just like this gift we were given basically. And I was getting so much information. All of a sudden I found out he actually also had anxiety. He had ADHD. We were told what medication would be better. All this stuff was happening. And I’m like, this is great. This is what’s going to quote unquote heal him. Right? This is, this is what’s going to do everything I’ve been hoping for, for him. And it didn’t, it didn’t because you can know everything. You can know everything and it’s not going to be that magic cure. And that’s very frustrating as a parent because it’s like the more answers you get and things aren’t changing, it almost in a way feels worse. Cause now it’s like, well, what, what is left? What is left? I’ve had the best doctors diagnosing my son. What is left? And that was just another thing I had to accept that, you know, I, all these things that I sort of put in my bucket of like check, check, check these are, here are the things we’re going to figure out and then everything will be great. It doesn’t work that way.

Debbie:

Right, right. And even in terms of getting that information, it can be so hard to even know where to turn who are the right people. Could you talk a little bit about that? Because I know you’ve used different interventions, like, how was it for you to try to navigate systems to get the support that Luca and your family needed?

Kristina Kuzmic:

I mean, it was, it was very frustrating. I’m sure a lot of people who have kids who are struggling can relate. because sometimes you have different people telling you different things and you have no idea who to listen to. And so you’re trying a bunch of stuff. It’s like, you’re throwing everything against the wall and waiting to see what sticks. And here’s the thing that’s complicated about being a human is that every single human is completely different. And what works for one is not going to work for another, especially when it comes to anything mental health related, right? So one kind of medication or one type of therapy, even if it works great for one kid, it’s not gonna work great for another. And then I also had, and I didn’t even share this story in the book, but I had a really bad experience with a doctor once. The psychiatrist that he had been seeing had moved, we had to go to a new one and we walked in and within five minutes, literally five minutes, the psychiatrist is like, okay, I think you’re bipolar. And he starts writing out the, you know, prescription medication. And I said, well, he actually went through all this intense testing. and they said he’s not bipolar. Like they, they actually went through everything and he’s not, what now? I, I, okay. You know what? Here’s the deal. And the, he, the doctor puts the stuff down, all the, you know, it’s pending everything out. He looks at me and he goes, listen, I know it’s hard as a mother to hear this. Okay. And he just starts, like, just, just, it was so awful, but you just need to accept it. He’s bipolar.

And I, all I could think about was if I had, this was years into our journey, if I hadn’t had the experience, if I hadn’t had met at this point, we were like on doctor number five or something six. if my son hadn’t gone through this intense testing and all these years, and I was at the beginning of my journey, I would have been like, okay, yep, that’s what it is. Let’s give him drugs that he doesn’t even need. Right. I just, all I could think about was that mom that’s so desperate to help her child and a doctor’s just you know, diagnosing within five minutes. Sorry going off on a little bit of a tangent, but go to doctors who are going to take the time the doctors that help my son the most took an hour some two hours of Talking with them alone and then talking with us together and then talking with me alone If so, if you’re gonna put your kid on medication, make sure that that doctor really really took the time so anyway, there was a lot of that where parents are left sort of like, I’m not the expert. OK, I’ll just believe whatever somebody suggests. And I don’t even have the perfect answer to any of that. It is so hard to figure out what to do and what is best. And who to trust.

Debbie:

Yeah, there’s no one path. Yeah. And who to trust. Yeah. And that’s something we talk a lot about at Tilt is how important it is to find providers, therapists who respect and see our family, who we feel that we can have a voice with, who don’t patronize us. Believe me, I’ve had those experiences as well. And, you know, in this space specifically, having people who understand and are neurodivergent affirming who aren’t, you know, who aren’t just going to pathologize everything, but really look at the nuances of who our kids are. So I appreciate that reminder. Okay. There’s so much that we could go into. And, but I am going to wrap this up because I know you, you have a lot going on, but I would love for you to share for listeners out there who are in it, who are just in the trenches right now, who feel hopeless. They feel defeated. They’ve tried everything. They’re burned out. They can’t access the reason. They’re just, I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to be working or things are moving in the wrong direction. What would you say to them? What, what words of hard won wisdom or hope could you share?

Kristina Kuzmic:

I mean, the main thing I would say is just be really kind to yourself. I came up with this rule when my son was struggling, the harder the day, the kinder I have to be to myself. And it was one of those days where I was like, today is going to be really extra hard. I just made it a point to treat myself the way I would treat my bestest, bestest friend. All grace, all forgiveness, all kindness, no self -criticism. I think that’s so huge. There’s a lie in there in the book. And I think I mentioned that good parents are selfless. A lot of times when our kid is struggling, we just, all our focus goes on them and we feel guilty even taking a little time out for ourselves. And like I mentioned before, I always, I used to think once he’s happy, I’ll be happy. Once he’s healthy, then I’ll focus on my health. Once he’s enjoying life fully, I will. And I realized that’s a hell of a lot of pressure to put on a person. That’s not fair. And I had to not, you know, live my life based on what was going on in his. He became the main character in all of our stories in our family. And that wasn’t fair to him and it wasn’t fair to us. And so I looked up the word selfless because my whole life, the women in my life, my mom, my grandmother, everybody was praised for being selfless. And I looked at the definition of selfless and it’s having no concern for self. And how is a mother supposed to stay sane and be the best support system for her child if she has no concern for self?

So that’s the number one thing I would say is never ever, ever feel guilty taking amazing care of the most important person in your child’s life. And that’s you. And that is the one thing, by the way, that’s what I realized when I have no control over anything else, right? I can’t control my son’s illness. I can’t control what’s happening in our family. I can’t, there’s so many things I can’t control. The one thing I actually can control every single day is how I treat myself. And so, I no longer feel guilty putting myself first and prioritizing myself and really taking great care of myself. And I think that not only are you doing your kid a favor because you’re giving them a healthier parent, but you’re also modeling something so important to them. Because all I could think about is when my son is a dad someday and life gets hard and maybe his kid is struggling. I don’t want him to go, well, my mom was just so focused on me and that’s the right way to do it. And that’s what I should do. I want my son to go, I saw my mom be so good and kind to herself during that time. I saw my mom take time off and go out with their girlfriends and do stuff that made her feel good. And that’s what I’m going to do now. We are modeling to a child how to treat themselves. So that’s the main thing I would tell every parent.

Debbie:

I love it. You’re so speaking my language and I’m right there with you. And we talk a lot about that on this show. So thanks for that. And I have a quick follow up question on that. I just in thinking about your relationship with Luca, I imagine that the fact I can imagine that there must be some guilt or, you know, complicated feelings for, for what you guys went through when he was younger and I can also imagine that you were able to show up for yourself has helped to mitigate some of that. Is that the case in terms of your dynamic together?

Kristina Kuzmic:

Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, I think I remember this one conversation where he shared something with me. This was just recently. He shared something with me and I panicked because of course my mind went into the worst case scenario, right? And he broke down crying and he said, I’m so sorry, mom. I’m sorry that I put you through all of this where you constantly live in fear. I’m so sorry. And we just had this beautiful healing conversation. And, you know, my husband was there and I kept saying, Luca, I don’t hold anything against you. I don’t know anything against you, you know, and everything that we went through, everything’s forgiven. And my husband, you know, because my son kept saying, how could you, how could you not hold the stuff I did against me? And my husband looked at me and said, you know, your mom has forgiven everything, but you haven’t forgiven yourself. And that was really powerful. And I had to realize also, I haven’t forgiven myself. I’ve forgiven my son for all the stuff, but I haven’t forgiven myself. I haven’t forgiven myself for every mistake I made. I haven’t forgiven myself for every time I made a decision that actually was harmful instead of helpful. And there’s such a freedom and ease and There’s just, I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s an amazing feeling when you just let go and accept that you’re not supposed to be superhuman and you’re not supposed to have all the answers and not having all the answers doesn’t make you inadequate. It doesn’t make you inadequate. There’s no valedictorian in adulting or parenting and just also accepting I’m not supposed to know. I’m not supposed to know everything. It would be weird if I did. That would be weird. It would be weird if I actually had the answer to every problem. And so giving myself that permission to let go of that guilt and him learning to give himself permission to let go of guilt has been incredible for both of us individually and also our relationship.

Debbie:

So good. Thank you. Thank you so much Kristina, you’re doing such important work and this book is going to heal so many people and just help so many families. So thank you. The book listeners is called I Can Fix This and Otherwise I Told Myself While Parenting My Struggling Child. And Christina, where do you want people to catch up on you on social media and all the places?

Kristina Kuzmic:

Yeah, I’m on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, pretty much everywhere at Kristina with a K last name K U Z M I C.

Debbie:

Awesome and listeners, as always, I will have links in the show notes pages for all the places and Kristina. Thank you so much and congratulations on your brand new book. I can’t wait to see what it does in the world.

Kristina Kuzmic:

Thank you so much. I really appreciate you having me on.