Margaret Webb on Parenting the Child You Didn’t Expect When You Were Expecting

Margaret Webb  00:00

They are who they are, you know, we can exhaust ourselves and do all sorts of things to try to change them. But the peace comes, you know, came to me when I realized, Wait, hold on, like he is who he is, and would I want somebody coming into my life and changing who I am?

Debbie Reber  00:20

Welcome to the Tilt Parenting podcast, a podcast featuring interviews and conversations aimed at inspiring, informing and supporting parents raising differently wired kids. I’m your host, Debbie Reber. And today’s episode features a conversation with life coach and parent coach, Margaret Webb, one of Margaret’s primary focuses as a coach is helping parents find more peace and joy in parenting the child they didn’t expect while they were expecting. And she does this in a really interesting and more importantly, effective way. I’m a big fan of the work, Margaret says because as I’ve experienced firsthand, with kids who are wired differently, so much energy goes into helping the child and not a lot of attention is paid to the parent and what we’re going through. But really, for us to parent our kids in a way that feels good for the whole family. It has to start with us. And Margaret is going to share some great insights during this episode. And I’m just thrilled to be bringing her wisdom to you all. To learn more about this podcast and Tilt the revolution for parents raising a typical kids, visit www dot tilled parenting.com. 

Debbie Reber  01:32

Hey, Margaret, I’m so excited to be interviewing you for the podcast today. How are you doing?

Margaret Webb  01:37

I am doing well. And I am thrilled to be here. Thank you.

Debbie Reber  01:41

I’m so glad we’re doing this. And part of that is because I knew as soon as I began developing the idea for the tilt podcast you are on my list to interview because I believe and I’ve experienced that the work you do in support of parents raising differently wired kids, it’s just so powerful. And I’ve gotten a chance to work with you through your awesome course, which we’ll talk about later today. And also doing some powerful one on one coaching work with you when I was going through, let’s just say a particularly rough patch. So just to kind of introduce you to people, you’re a Martha Beck certified master life coach, you’re a parenting coach, you’re a nature based coach, and you’re a former teacher and a parent. And many more things I know you’re a tennis player, I know you’ve got a lot going on in your life. And I know that you have a lot of different areas of interest in ways that you help people. But as we’re talking about your work with parents today, I was hoping you could just kind of tell us how you personally came to be doing your work in supportive parents? Yes.

Margaret Webb  02:42

So I have a 12 year old son who is on the autism spectrum. And I came to do this work, because it was work that I did with myself. In parenting him. When he didn’t talk until he was five and early on. It really rocked my boat, it was not at all what I expected parenting to be like, and as you said, I was a teacher. And so I kind of thought, you know, when we had him I was kind of cocky and thought, you know, I got this in the bag, I totally get kids. And you know, I’ve had 35 kindergartners in my class at one, you know, at one point, so I got this. And as it turns out, I was given one of the most amazing teachers ever in my son and he kind of I like to say he kind of came out with his middle finger up like Alright, you’re, you know, this is, like, whatever you expect things to be like, it’s, you know, I’m going to kind of challenge that and at first it was really a struggle for me because I didn’t have a community that was anything but a warrior mom kind of community where it was fixed the child, you know, we gotta go in and we got to figure out what’s what’s wrong and take care of that. And I had done obviously, all of that stuff and, and sought help and got therapies and whatnot. But I didn’t start to see a change in my parenting until I experienced coaching and got coaching for myself and realized wow, like there’s, there’s so much of importance around my perspective and what I’m bringing to this relationship as a parent to this child, and I just began utilizing the tools that I was given and playing with them in my real everyday life and things just started to A shift and I began to find peace and joy in parenting and which, you know, I began to feel more empowered as a mother and felt like, I wasn’t always just at the mercy of what was showing up, I could kind of look at things in a different way. And, and so that’s, you know, I just implemented all these things into my life. And I began to see how it impacted my relationship with him and how things started to improve. And so I wanted to share that the teacher in me wanted to share that with other people, because it felt so much better, like life, just, you know, it felt just, you know, like, there was possibility again, whereas when you get an autism diagnosis, it was, you know, kind of like, you know, what is there and implementing these things, it was like, oh, like, life can be good. And, like, he’s actually pretty cool, the things that he can do. And I began to see the gifts in him, and also able to handle the annoying and frustrating times in a way that felt so much better. 

Debbie Reber  06:17

So that’s great. That’s great. I don’t know that I’ve ever heard your whole story. So thank you for sharing that. And I was just thinking in the way I think that you and I first connected, I also am Martha Beck certified life coach. So I think we crossed paths in that community, but we became Facebook friends. And that’s really how I got to know you. And it must have been four years ago or something I saw you post something about a virtual class you were launching, called parenting the child you didn’t expect while you were expecting and that really caught my eye for what was going on in my life at the time when my world was kind of felt like at the time blowing up or imploding however you want to look at it, but it was not going the way I planned. Certainly not the journey we were on with Asher. So could you tell us just about that class? And I My hunch is it’s evolved a bit since I took it. But how is that class structured? And what is it about? What’s the goal of that class? Why did you create it? 

Margaret Webb  07:21

Well, the my, you know, my initial intention, it was it was something that just, it was really important for me, because there are so many expectations that parents have, you know, you are, you know, you’re expecting a child, whether it’s and I’ve had people who have come through my classes who have adopted children, and who have come to be parents in unexpected ways. And so I kept coming back to there are so many expectations. And, you know, when I had Andrew, those expectations, it was kind of, you know, I couldn’t stand by them anymore. And I realized that that was something that so many parents experience, it’s like I expected it to be one way, and now it’s not. So the class is structured to help parents to go through the process of kind of letting go of those expectations. And it is a process because we are human. And so there’s, there’s hopes for what parenting is going to be like, and to allow yourself to process the emotions that come up, to recognize the thoughts to kind of to weave in the coaching work to recognize there are thoughts that we have, about how things should be or how things should go and what to do with those thoughts, which are totally normal, and moving through those. And having a community where people don’t feel like the things that they’re experiencing is abnormal, because we’re all going through some sort of thing that, you know, might seem crazy if you’re talking about it on the playground, but in this community, it’s like, oh, yeah, you’ve dealt with that, too. So there’s this community support of, oh, I’m not alone in this, and moving through that too. You know, how can I celebrate what it is that my child has to offer? And what are the lessons that my child is here to teach me and that’s a huge thing is I feel like our kids are here to teach us so many things. I’ve, you know, my son personally, like I was a total control freak. And the more I tried to control then the more miserable I was. And so releasing that control has been a lesson that keeps coming up and up and up and, and realizing like, Oh, these kids are what are the lessons that our kids are here to teach us? And the thing that I love is that this class tends to To attract people like you who are open to those lessons, where it’s like, Oh, okay. Like, it’s not about fixing them. It’s okay, what can I learn from this? And what is he, you know, what are they teaching us?

Debbie Reber  10:15

Yeah, you know, I think that, for me, I mean, your class, when I took it, it really did shift a lot for me. And one of the things that shifted so much was what you spoke to earlier was that community aspect was, even though I wasn’t able to make many of the live calls, I could listen to the recordings and hear stories from other moms. So that community aspect was really important to me at the time, because I felt so alone in what I was going through, and just hearing other women’s stories. And I think it was all women in our group. So hearing their stories about what they were feeling, and that, you know, the painful emotions that everyone was struggling with, really helped me feel like yeah, like, I wasn’t alone, that it was normal to be experiencing these things. And that was hugely comforting. But what you just said really was the key for me, that I think transformed me so much was realizing that also Hello, fellow Control Freak over here. I was so focused on, you know, for lack of a better word, trying to fix Asher, like how can I fit this kid into the system? How can I fix these problems so that we can go on our way? And I can let this parenting journey look, the way I want it to look? You know, it was about how can we stop the meltdowns from happening? How can I get him to be less disruptive in school, and it just felt so overwhelming made me feel so out of control. And then working with you. And through this class, I learned that it was within my control to be in that experience in whatever way I chose. So that’s the only thing I could control was how I was going to be in relationship to what was happening around me. And that was huge. It was a game change for me. 

Margaret Webb  12:08

It’s so empowering. And that’s that’s just it is like, I was part of so many Facebook forums and groups and whatnot. And it was all like, all this energy was focused on the child and what you know, what are you doing for the child? What are you doing for this? And that totally spiraled things out of control. Because it’s like, oh, my gosh, you know, I’ve done all that. And I am exhausted. And I’m frustrated. And I’m annoyed, because it’s not working. And to be able to have that shift and realize, Wait, like, I can control my, I can control my thoughts, I can control my experience of this and how I enter into the and that is, it’s huge. It’s so powerful. And, and it’s like, I still just am blown away. You know, every time I remember like, oh, yeah, you know, and, and for me, it’s just it’s, you know, I’ve got little things, you know, I still get tangled up every once in a while, but it’s just, it’s noticing that and taking that step back and being like, Okay, wait, hold on, what is what am I bringing to this? It really, it really is, it was a major game changer for me too. So I’m glad to hear that.

Debbie Reber  13:23

I feel like that’s a piece that’s missing, though, for a lot of parents, like, I feel so grateful that I found your class and I’ve shared it with other people who I know have also been highly, you know, have highly benefited from it. And from that shift happening, but for so many of us, we’re looking for help. We’re getting you know, we’re buying books that feel like they could give us some insight or we’re following a school’s recommendation on occupational therapy, or whatever is going on. But so little of the support out there is geared towards supporting the parents emotionally. And I think that’s something that needs to change. And I’m, I find it confusing, that it’s that it’s not more out there.

Margaret Webb  14:10

Well, and it’s what’s interesting is and so then this was what I found early on, so before I did any coaching, you know, I would take my son to therapy to work on, you know, being he would per separate on things, he would stim on things, he would be very, he was very controlling very anxious. And then they would, they would send them home with me. And I would perverate and I was controlling and I was anxious. And I’m thinking Oh my, you know now looking back, I’m like, I was everything I was trying to help him to overcome. And I completely agree because it’s you know, there’s, I see it all the time. And, you know, people have to be ready for it. It’s like they, you know, I get so many people who are like, oh, this person needs you and this person And I think I would love to help them. But they have to get to the point where they realize, like, it’s not about the kid, it’s not about the child. No, one of the things that is part of expectations is expecting our kids to be different from who they are, they are, who they are, you know, we can exhaust ourselves and do all sorts of things to try to change them. But the peace comes, you know, came to me when I realized, Wait, hold on, like he is who he is, and would I want somebody coming into my life and changing who I am? And would that even work? And it wouldn’t. And so placing the focus back on me, which, you know, and it seems so counterintuitive to parents and to, you know, in my judgment to mothers, you know, place the focus on yourself, it’s like, what, no, no, I’ve got to do everything for my child. And know, if I could get people to realize, like, play, you know, taking care of yourself. And doing like doing things like breathing and, and kind of creating some distance to see what’s actually going on, is actually so helpful. And allows at least it’s allowed me to actually become the mother that I want to be.

Debbie Reber  16:23

Yeah, absolutely. I love what you, you said too, about, you know, just noticing those strong emotions that we have, when something is happening. And, and I noticed this, and, you know, still, you know, with me and with my husband, who doesn’t get as much practice as I do, and dealing with frustrating situations with Asher, because I’m homeschooling him now. And I’m with him a lot more. But usually, when those strong frustrations or are coming up in me or in my husband, it’s because Asher isn’t doing something that we think you shouldn’t be doing, or he’s not behaving the way we think he should be. And, you know, it’s a constant reminder, wait, he, he is doing this. So me being upset about because he’s not doing what I think he should be doing is a complete waste of time. He is who he is, he’s doing the best he can. And I always try to shift it to what can Asher learn through this situation, and then I, if I can take on that. Look at it from that point of view that what’s happening is because he doesn’t have the skills he needs to deal with this situation, and it’s about him has nothing to do with me, then I can approach it from a place of that intention of like, okay, so what can I do in this situation that will support him, and learning or developing these skills while also taking care of myself. And that’s been really helpful for me.

Margaret Webb  17:47

And that is so awesome that, like, you’re able to do that, because that is it’s, it’s creating some distance from the situation. And I, you know, so frequently we can, they can be really intense. And sometimes you can get tangled up in that intensity. And so being able to take that step back creates distance, and see oh, wait, what’s actually going on here? You know, what can I help him to learn that he’s ready for because maybe the expectation was a little bit too big or, you know, too much of a leap? But okay, what can I how can I support him? And part of that is thinking, Okay, I know who he is. And I know how, you know how he learns best. And if you’re at the point where you don’t know, it’s playing around with things like trying to fit, you know, becoming a detective, and how does he or she learn best? Is it through, you know, through auditory stuff? Is it through visuals or is it through actually moving things kinesthetically? It’s learning what works best for your child and helping to support them in that way, so that they can learn. And, you know, viewing it from that perspective, that’s, that’s where the empowerment is. It’s no longer like, Oh, he’s doing this to me. It just is what it is. It’s happening, and how can I support him, which then ends up supporting you?

Debbie Reber  19:18

Yeah, it’s a win win. So you touched upon this, and it’s something I wanted to bring up today that one of the biggest things you helped me learn how to do through your course was to breathe. And it sounds so simple. I feel like the concept of breathing. It’s thrown around so much, you know, like, oh, just take some deep breaths like people don’t really take it seriously as a strategy. But I distinctly remember that. You were talking about taking, you know, these breaths and I I was kind of faking it like I was. I was breathing but I was still pissed while I was doing it. I wasn’t fully committing to breathing and to having the outcome, you know, that I wanted it to have. And you suggested that I take a really deep breath and hold it for like a count of five, and then slowly release it. And repeat that a couple of times. And I tried that. And this was, you know, something I would use when I was about to blow myself up like baby Asher was having a meltdown or something was happening that I was about to react in a very emotional way that I knew would only just be like, tossing gasoline on the flames. And so I remember the first time I tried that, it was hard to make myself do it. But after, you know, repeating that cycle of taking the breath, holding it and slowly releasing it after two or three times my energy shifted. And I was like, oh my god, it’s a miracle. Like, I was so excited because I felt that that little thing, you know that taking that moment, for myself, changed everything because the student is I calm down. And my energy shifts Asher’s energy diffuses like magic. So I’m wondering why you think that breathing is so effective for parents like? Why is that a part of what you do?

Margaret Webb  21:21

Breathing, like taking that deep breath, and then holding it for a few seconds, and then slowly releasing the breath, it helps to reset your, your system. And instead of going like, what you’re describing, is that feeling of like, okay, like, I need to take action I’m fight you know, it’s like fight or flight in and most of the time, it’s either, you know, it’s as parents, we can go to fight with, you know, our energy with our words with our tone, or emotions. And taking those deep breaths helps to reset that system. And so it helps to calm things down. And like, even thinking about it, it makes me want to talk slower, it creates some distance and some space, that helps to relax everything, your heart rate goes down, and in creating that, that calmer energy or that distance, then you get untangled from whatever it is going on. And that allows a different perspective. You know, taking care of yourself first, like that, it’s so important to allow yourself like, first of all, you have to even notice, and so, like you were able to notice, like I am ready to, like, you know, so often I kind of I call it the volcano feeling where I’m ready to erupt. And it’s like, I and so you first have to notice when you’re at that place. And, you know, there’s like with us, there’s no judgment, like if you go, you know, if you do erupt, it’s like, okay, that’s good to know, I like you know, next time, try to try to recognize what that feeling is. And when you notice that just, you know, take a deep breath. And for me early on, it was like, I would have to go in slow motion, I was so conscious of it, I had to be very aware of it. And as you got to see and as I’ve seen, like when you do take care of yourself, and you create that space, and you create that calmer energy, it is like magic because they’re kind of, you know, they’re kind of confused. like, Wait, what just happened? Like, wait, there’s, I knew, I know, she was gonna yell at me and I now I don’t understand what’s going on. And so they can kind of become curious or wonder like what just happened. And sometimes they can kind of poke poke around, like, wait a minute, you know, and sometimes I like to describe their experiences. Because often these kids don’t necessarily know how to process emotions or how to handle strong emotions. And so I like to describe it kind of like when I’m PMSing. You know, there are times when I want to pick a fight with somebody and I don’t necessarily know why. And it just feels like something that I want somebody to kind of interact with me. But it’s no fun to argue with yourself and it’s no fun to fight with yourself. And so as parents, you know if we can recognize Wait, this is their experience. They have like they’re not able to. I’m blanking on the name, the word but kind of process their emotions and handle them like the hormones that are coming through. No, but all I have to do is I have to take care of myself and I just have to breathe. All I have to do right now is breathe.

Debbie Reber  24:53

And I also love the analogy of the volcano and I think a lot of people listening, including myself can relate to that. And it’s something that a lot of kids who are differently wired, especially, you know, if they are more intense, a lot of kids with ADHD are on the spectrum or perfectionism or gifted, you know, can be pretty tightly wound and have intense emotional responses to things. And so by us as parents, taking care of ourselves in that way, and learning how to notice when we’re about to erupt, we’re modeling exactly what we want our children to learn. And it’s, you know, the fact that we, as adults have so much work to do in this area, I always think in wonder, you know, what I’m expecting are the kinds of things I’m trying to help Asher learn are things I probably learned when I was 30, in terms of my emotional regulation, so but it is a great thing, to even be transparent and open with your child about what you’re doing. And I try to say that now, like, I need some space, I need to go take some breaths. So he can see that I too, struggle with the big reaction, and here’s how I’m working on it. And so it is, again, it’s great, it’s taking care of yourself, but it’s also helping children see, see a process modeled for that can work for them as well. 

Margaret Webb  26:24

What I love about that is that it lets them know, like, oh, it’s not just me who needs to work on this, it’s, you know, mom’s working on this, and oh, okay, instead of like, oh, every, you know, all therapy sessions are for you. And all this is, you know, we gotta like take care of you. And we have this, like, he learned in his through his OT, and through his school, when he was in school, there was kind of a number system of where his body is, and where you know, where his emotions are. And it’s something that I use, I’ll say, you know, five is like, ready to have a total tantrum meltdown. One is like, not responsive at all, just kind of like, not even there two, three is kind of humming along perfectly. And I’ll say, you know, my body is at a four and a half, I am ready to, you know, I’m almost at a five. And he knows, it’s like, we have that language. And so if you can find a language that, you know, makes sense for your, for you and your child. And, and we, you know, and that is something that we’re very open with, and I tell him, you know, I am ready, like, I need to have some time to myself, because, you know, you’re, you’re talking too much. And he’s got, he’s been doing a social thinking class. And so we’ve got little characters now that we can use, like, rock brain or was funny once. And so I’ll say, it was, like, the 20th time not so funny.

Debbie Reber  27:52

I love that. I’m going to be using that tonight, sorry to interrupt you. But “was funny once,” that’s classic.

Margaret Webb  27:59

Was funny once and it’s you know, and it’s something I think, that language to say, like, I hear you, and I’m done. And as a parent to be okay with that, because I think sometimes, as parents of these differently wired kids, we can kind of put expectations on ourselves that we need to be, you know, supermoms and like, we need to be doing things all the time to be helping them. And it’s like to be honest, and say, You know what, that’s really annoying, or you’re really annoying me, I need to go in my room for five minutes, or I need to take some time to take some deep breaths, or this is how I’m feeling. What should I do? And have them do the problem solving? Would you like me to yell at you? No. Okay, and what should I do? I think you should go to your room and just have some quiet time. Perfect.

Debbie Reber  28:54

That’s great. Yes, turn it around. As soon as you do that, it’s another way of, as you said before, making them curious, shifting the energy catching them off guard, and can likely stop what’s going on in the moment. That’s been difficult. Mm hmm. Very cool. So we’ll be before we end this call, you’ve already shared so many great strategies. Are there any other kind of favorite tips or insights you have for parents who are, you know, thinking about parents who are kind of in the thick of it, maybe they’re just realizing that their path is going to look different than from what they expected? Maybe they’re starting to get feedback from a preschool teacher, or maybe they’ve been doing this for a few years, and they’re feeling really tapped out and overwhelmed by kind of everything, like did you have any additional strategies that are kind of your go to strategies or pieces of advice for those parents, you know, the parents who are at that point where they’re starting to get that feedback? 

Margaret Webb  29:50

The most important thing is to take care of yourself, and to allow yourself to have time to kind of be okay with the emotions that are bubbling up. And this is a huge part of what I do and what I help people with. And it’s something I avoided, like a pro at first. But once I allowed myself to process the emotions that were already there the anger, that I had not chosen this the fear of what I was making it mean, for our life for his life, for everything, and then, you know, the the grief process and the sadness, and know, it can sound kind of like heavy and whatever, but there are there any the emotions are there, and once I allowed myself to kind of process and release them, and to be honest with myself of, you know, yeah, I could deny it. But it was there, like, there were differences, there were things that, you know, weren’t quite what I expected, and we were going to be on a different path. And if once I allowed myself to be honest about that, and to feel those things, then it became okay to ask for help. And, you know, I started to just have a greater sense of clarity around, you know, what, like, it’s going to be okay. You know, and there are communities out there who are, you know, and you are huge. I’m so excited about what you’re doing, because you’re laying groundwork for the community support that these people are going to need. And I’m so grateful that you’re doing that. And so, I think there’s lots and lots as part of this journey, but I think you know, for those people who are just starting out, that’s, that’s where I would start.

Debbie Reber  32:01

Wow, that’s so great. And it’s just making me realize that that’s a whole other conversation I want to have with you, I’m hoping you will, you will come back, I would love to talk with you about the emotional journey. And you know, when I worked with you one on one, when I started homeschooling, Asher and after we moved to Amsterdam, that’s really, you got me through some of I would, you know, in arguably some of the worst months I’ve ever had in my life. But I think that that’s really important, especially for people who are really coming to terms with what’s going on is to honor that emotional response. So I would love to have you back to talk about that another time. Because I think that could be a really interesting and helpful show for people I would love to. Awesome. So before this call, I was checking out the class page on your website, where you kind of break down who your online classes are for and who it’s not for. And I just have to say I had a laugh because you said you probably don’t need this class, your kids are totally perfect and never cause you stress. And you feel love, peace and contentment every moment of every day. But I have to say that’s what I love. What your work is about is you said this at the very start of the call, finding more peace and joy in parenting today. I love that vision and message. It’s completely in alignment with what we’re trying to create here at tilt. And I’m just grateful to be able to bring you into this conversation. So thank you so much.

Margaret Webb  33:29

Thank you, it has been so much fun, and I can’t wait to come back. 

Debbie Reber  33:33

And for listeners who want to learn more about Margaret and check out her course parenting the child you didn’t expect while you’re expecting, which I probably have said a dozen times on this, but I highly recommend it. Visit Margaret’s website at WWW dot Margaret Webb life coach.com. And I will have links to Margaret’s site and online course in the show notes as well. So once again, thank you so much for joining me today. And you’ve given me a lot to think about today and great information for our listeners. So thanks, Margaret.

Margaret Webb  34:06

Thank you.

Debbie Reber  34:11

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of The Tilt Parenting podcast. Visit tiltarenting.com/podcast for a list of all the podcast episodes, and for the show notes for this episode, including more information on Margaret Webb and her virtual course you can go to tilt parenting.com/session1. Lastly, we are a brand spanking new podcast with new episodes coming out each week. We have a great slate of experts lined up for the podcast and we’re also creating special episodes featuring conversations between me and my 11 year old son Asher so you can get a kid’s point of view on all of these issues too. So I invite you to please subscribe if you like this episode and also visit iTunes and leave a review. Getting reviews and subscribers is the best way for us to grow and connect with our audience of parents raising differently wired kids thanks again for tuning in and for more information on the tilt revolution to sign up for our community and learn more visit www.tiltparenting.com