How Do I Talk With My Child About a New Autism Diagnosis? (Listener Question)

Debbie:

Hey everybody, joining me for today’s Parent Lean-In episode is educator and friend of the pod, Zach Morris of Alive at Learn. Zach specializes in working with parents and young adults who are navigating the complex dynamics of neurodivergent experience. Zach is uniquely equipped to serve families with profiles of autism, especially PDA, families navigating trauma and families needing to heal and repair relationships. He’s also a parent coach in my Differently Wired Club. And I just have to say, you have true fans in my club. So anyway, I’m so happy to be in conversation with you today for this question. Thank you so much.

Zach:

Thanks, Debbie. That’s so nice to hear. And thanks for having me. Happy to be here.

Debbie:

All right, well, let’s get into this question. So this is another good one that I think comes up in some shape or form with so many families in our community. So this parent wrote, how do I talk with my child and let them know they’ve been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder? What is the correct way to talk about someone who’s autistic, especially when kids in this country use the word autistic to put each other down. So this is a little context. This is a 10 year old who is comfortable saying that he’s neurodivergent. He has ADHD and anxiety and feels comfortable with those, but this parent has recently moved to a new country where autism isn’t as well understood or can be used in a negative way. He got reevaluated and both the psychologist and psychiatrist gave that diagnosis, which feels accurate to the parent. Yet this parent feels nervous to tell him this one more thing about who he is. The parent I should also add is also a little concerned about the best way to share this with other people. So a lot in that question. And Zach, I’m going to have you kick us off today. What came up for you when you heard that question?

Zach:

Yeah, you know, I hear families talk about this a lot. A lot of different things are coming up for me. The first thing I’m thinking about is just how we talk about autism, right? And what autism is, right? And I love Donna Henderson and Sarah Whalen’s work in, this autism? And so paraphrasing here, but this is from them, right? And this idea that, you know, at its core, it’s a different nervous system. Like being autistic is just having a different nervous system. it’s, know, in a nervous system that processes, experiences, and responds to the world differently than other nervous systems. Right? And so just sort of, you know, really starting to get into this conversation around neuro types, you know, and they’re just being, you know, multiple neurotypes, many neurotypes. I think especially because kiddo is comfortable with the term neurodivergent, right? It’s great that neurodivergent just being that sort of umbrella term, right? For talking about different neurotypes, you know, and one of those neuro types is autism, right? And the other thing I think about is also with the ADHD, you know, component as well. 

And so we’re really talking autism and ADHD and at that point, we’re talking AuDHD, Kind of unofficially, right? That’s kind of like the unofficial term, right? Like, this is me, I’m AuDHD, right? And in this co -occurrence of autism and ADHD, just being so prevalent, actually, right? So there’s this kind of, this even gives us the opportunity, know, depending on your kiddo, right? And things like that. There’s a sort of like, this is even another neuro type, right? This like, ADHD neurotype, these things combining, right? And so I think if there’s comfortability already sort of in some of that land, I don’t think it’s a big stretch just getting into some of these next pieces, right? And just kind of helping with the reorientation of neuro types, right, actually. I also think that identity is so personal. And if neurodivergent feels more aligned and comfortable for, for kiddo, then, then that’s great. That’s awesome. Right. Like that, that gets to be, you know, like I don’t need to identify as autistic, right. Just because that’s what my report, you know, my neuropsych eval showed. Right. So some of this is also, you know, just even in talking about it, it’s sort of, sometimes we can talk about, you know, what we’ve seen or experiences and all of that, and then talk about just sort of like the way people talk about that stuff. And like, when all of that’s kind of together, some people have like a name for that. And like, we can kind of get into some of it with that, but we can also talk about experience and needs without needing the label. So we might just be talking about all the parts all the parts that this is sort of illuminated about me about how I process or, or what some of my experiences are, or, you know, sensitivities and, and, and we can really get to know all of that without even ever talking about autism, right? Not, that I would be trying to keep someone from talking about autism at all, right? Like I, definitely see that individuals that can, can embrace and lean into that, right? Are really served by that often, right? But, it’s also not essential.

And I think there’s ways of also just talking about experience and needs and sensitivities. And so if we’re noticing some resistance or sort of apprehension or fear kind of around that as we explore it, we can just table it. We can just talk about the parts of it, the things that it means for me in that way, even if we’re talking about it just in my neurodivergence. The last thing I wanted to mention, maybe a couple more pieces is the grief of being misunderstood by others, right? So when we talk about like autism, you know, being used as like a put down, you know, in this place where they are, you know, I think just really empathizing with this, you know, and really empathizing with this idea of people thinking autism is one thing, but it’s really something else, right? And we may need a metaphor to help our kiddo kind of understand that, yeah, that’s a thing that can happen in the world, not just with autism, but with all kinds of things that people might be sort of misinformed or just not know and therefore it can be perceived as one thing, but it might, and not using that as a therefore we should feel totally okay about this and not feel self -conscious, but more of just the grief. Like actually, therefore it makes sense that like this also maybe feels kind of uncomfortable or I felt feel self -conscious and just actually empathizing with some of that grief, right?

One last thing as we talk about that piece, right, and talk about talking to others about this and sharing this with other people. I think just, you know, really trying to remember that everyone’s on their own journey of understanding and remembering that judgment is a tool for protection, right? So that like when I hear someone’s judgment, I can also hear their confusion and their fear and their anxiety and their convictions, right? And like, and just orienting and of course, easier said than done, right? In that moment when I’m hearing judgment, right? That’s so hard. just, but just from that regulated time of myself, like reminding myself that, yeah, like judgment is a tool for protection, actually. And like, they’re just trying to protect themselves, probably way more than they’re trying to like, tell me what to do exactly, right? And so on the other side of that really connecting with others who are sharing a journey like this, right? Just, I mean, being connected with tilts, right? Being connected with people in your life that do get it so that you can set yourself up for success in being seen and heard and understood because, you know, being in this world long and, you know, like this, you know, specific world of the world, right? Like this autism world and everything. Like I have definitely learned that like, Yeah, I’m not going to be able to help everybody sort of understand this to the and see it in the way that I’m seeing it. And so how am I protecting myself in those moments also, What do I need? Right. In those moments, how am I setting myself up if I know like, I’m also really sensitive to that, like, I’m also really sensitive to hearing people’s feedback or ideas on what we should be doing instead. And so just getting to know those parts of myself and honoring that for myself that that’s okay and that makes sense that I’m super sensitive to that and so maybe it’s just gonna take me into some different actions or places or things like that.

Debbie:

So just circling back on what you just shared, I love that idea that when it comes to other people, just that reminder that you get to decide who gets to know. And you know, Margaret Webb, who does these apparently then episodes with me and is also part of our differently wired club coach community. She has always said that when it comes to who knows or who gets to know it’s on a need to know basis. And so, you know, if there are people who it doesn’t feel emotionally safe to share, or if we feel as if they’re really not going to see or respect who our kids are, they’re going to minimize it or say, well, everybody’s a little bit of a spectrum or whatever that is. We get to decide who we share that with. And so I think that is really important. So I appreciate you bringing that up. 

A couple of other things just to add to what you said. So first of all, I love that you highlighted this child’s comfortability with the term neural divergence. I would definitely kind of lean into that. And what I would do as a parent is really kind of do my own work surrounding the worries that I have. So you know, you ended this question by saying that, you know, I’m really worried about adding one more thing or that, you know, that this is going to be really hard based on the way that the word autism is used in this country. So it’s really important that if we are navigating these conversations with our kids, that we don’t bring our own stuff into it. Because our kids will feel it. Our kids, you know, if we’re saying one thing, but we’re really energetically or emotionally like conveying something else they’re going to know, it’s going to make them feel confused, perhaps not super safe. So it’s important to kind of do that work yourself so that you can be at peace with it. And you can engage in whatever that conversation or conversations looks like with calmness, with confidence, with knowing, and without really having any negativity or fear attached to that information being shared. So that is just something I would invite you to do. And then one other thing that I just want to say you might do is to think about your intention for why you’re sharing the information, whatever that is. So you want to be clear on it. I’m sharing this so my child can get the support that he needs. I’m sharing this so my child can have a deeper understanding of himself. I’m sharing this because we are not going to be, contributing to reinforcement stigma in our family. It’s not a value of ours. I’m sharing, you know, or, it could be multiple things, but to go into that. Again, conversation with that very clear intention, using that as a guide post that will also help you feel a lot more confident.

And I keep saying conversation, but really, it’s not like you sit down and have this one big conversation. Typically, it’s just the culture of our family. This is how we talk, we’re open about what’s going on. And we kind of are always talking about strengths and relative weaknesses and how our brains work and what we need and how our nervous system, know, all of that stuff. That’s part of what I would encourage families to just kind of be talking openly about. But just to reiterate what you shared, Zach, I also love that you said that identity is personal and you know, we can’t decide how our kids are going to feel. We can’t like, you know, say ADHD or autism is a superpower over and over again, and expect that our kids are going to embrace it as such. So what we can do is be non-judgmental, kind of again, calm, steady trusted sources of information, make sure that we’re surrounding our kids with people who see and love and respect who they are, and that we’re not bringing any kind of weirdness into our dynamic in these dialogues. And ultimately, support our kids so they feel confident in deciding, OK, how do I want to use this information? How do I want to feel about it? Do I want it to be part of how I identify or not? Ultimately it’s their decision. So I appreciate that you brought that up. Anything to add before we wrap this one up, Zach?

Zach:

Yeah, just last piece just based on some things you were saying, you know, of, of, you know, kind of not projecting some of our own fears, you know, a little bit and worries on this, I think it’s what it brought up for me is, is like the value of also going hard places with our kids, right? And like, and in this, it might be a hard to hear message, like, it might, it might start that way and turn out differently. But like, it might start as a hard to hear message, but that’s not bad actually, right? Like I think what we see a lot of times is if I can confidently go there with you and like hold space for you in that, I’m actually showing you that this is navigable and we can handle this. If I try to protect you from all of those experiences, I’m kind of indirectly communicating it’s too much for you, right? And I think our kids want to feel empowered and they want to feel capable and they want to feel confident, right? And so I think being willing to go those places that are hard for our kids actually shows them that we can get through it.

Debbie:

Great, great point and a wonderful note to end this on. Thank you. I’m so glad you added that. So we’ll wrap this one up then. So I hope whoever submitted that question, listeners who are navigating this, that this was helpful for you. Thank you for submitting the question. And Zach, thanks as always for talking me through this. I just so appreciate your perspective on this.