How Can I Help My Autistic Child with Low Self-Esteem? (Listener Question)

Debbie Reber  

Hey everybody today. I am joined by parent coach Margaret Webb for a parent lean-in episode. And if you’ve listened to this show for a while, you’ve definitely heard me talk about Margaret. She’s a dear friend. She was my very first parenting coach. She’s the lead parent coach in my differently wired Club, where she provides a ton of support for that community. She’s also the author of a phenomenal book, a hero’s journey, and parenting, parenting the child you didn’t expect, what when you were expecting? That is a book any parent on this journey should read. So welcome. Margaret. Thank you so much for being here today.

Margaret Webb  

I’m so excited to be here. 

Debbie Reber  

Yeah, we always have fun doing this. And today we’re going to tackle a really good question. I’m pretty confident some aspects of this will resonate with many listeners. So the question is, how to help a kid who has low self esteem? He also says that he’s used to being alone at recess and denies any impact. I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t pressure him, but I wonder if he is suffering as a result, and I have a little context for this question. This is an eight year old who’s going to school who’s diagnosed as autistic, so let’s take our quick break now so that when we get back, we can just kind of answer and provide all of our insights so we’ll be right back. Okay, so again, we are going to be talking about how to help an autistic child, an eight year old who has low self esteem. The child says that he’s used to being alone and says it doesn’t really bother him. And the parent doesn’t know how to handle this, and she doesn’t want to pressure him, but is wondering if he’s suffering as a result. So, Margaret, I’m going to ask you to kick us off today.

Margaret Webb  

I would love to. I taught eight year olds. So when I saw this, you know, it was something that I really read, you know, like just I could see the picture of what was going on. And one of the things that comes up time and again is, especially, you know, with kids who are autistic, sometimes they need time to regulate and time to not have to be on, you know, to be on. So perhaps there are times when he’s by himself, when he’s alone, and we can look at that and think, oh, he has low self esteem, or he’s not being social, or there’s other issues going on, but that might be a time for him to regulate, for him to just be able to be in his mind, thinking about what he wants to think about. And when you’re in school, there’s not a lot of time for that. And so that might look like them sitting alone at lunch, them sitting alone at recess. Anytime there’s time for socialization that they might just kind of pull off and sit by themselves. They might choose to breathe. And it might look like, you know, they have low self esteem. But one of the questions that I have for this person is like, what are the indicators of them having low self esteem? Because that can be our interpretation as a parent. Of, you know, like they’re not out with their peers. They’re not like running around, playing with people. But again, that might be them needing to self regulate, or them just wanting to just be in their heads. And if there are things, you know, if there are indicators of low self esteem, you know, my question then would be, what are their interests and what do they love to do? What drives them, what lights them up, what makes them like, what drives you crazy about them? Talking about 24/7, so thinking about that so that you can kind of you. Support that, because that’s an indicator of, oh, you know, that’s something that they feel really good and positive about. And I’ve said this in other things, but like seven to 10 can be a window shade age where they start becoming aware of their differences from their peers. And so sometimes it might be, you know, lowest self esteem might come from, oh, how I do something looks very different from how my neighbor does something and checking in with that, and seeing, Oh, okay, like, are they comparing themselves. You know, if there is that aspect, are they comparing their writing, their handwriting? Are they comparing what they’re doing? If they’re super smart, they might be annoyed with the person next to them. Like it just it can look so many different ways, but checking in with what’s going on, you know, do have challenges with their peers, think about, Well, are there people who are older? Are there people who are younger that they actually connect with, and that can look like, you know, my son has 70 year old friends, even though he’s 21 but he’s also had, you know, he also is in a social group with 15 year olds, and so opening up to social groups, or, you know, social peers looking very different from what we might think of. So, yeah,

Debbie Reber  

That’s great. So many interesting things that you shared. And I also love this idea of the window shade age like I hadn’t thought of it that way, but that makes so much sense this time of awareness or starting to understand kind of how we maybe look different or perform differently or show up in spaces differently than some of Our peers. And I also love what you said about that he might just need time to be in his own mind. Like I love that, and it’s so true, and I think it really is about how we’re interpreting things. And so I love that you touched upon that. That was one of the first things that came up for me too, is how important it is to tease out our own things with what’s really going on with the child. And, you know, I always talk about this idea of fluency. Part of that is being fluent in our kids so that we can start to really understand what’s going on with them. And part of it is that we want to believe them, right? Sometimes our kids are telling them, telling us exactly how they’re feeling, and we might interpret it in a way that prioritizes our understanding of something, and we’re not really listening to exactly what our kid is telling us. So that’s why really doing the work to become fluent in how does our child Express distress? How do they express anxiety? How do they express loneliness, really gathering evidence and getting curious, so we can be more attuned to what is happening in that moment and tease it out from our own worries and fears. I mean, nobody wants to think of their child sitting isolated in the lunchroom, right and being ostracized or not included, if that child wants to be included. So it can really, like, bring up a lot of fear and anxiety for us as parents. And then a couple other things. One is to really start to pay attention and to look for cues that your child might be suffering. So if you’re noticing more negative self-talk, if you’re noticing your child apologizing more when there’s nothing to apologize. If you’re noticing a change in behavior, if you’re noticing your child is withdrawing more from things that he, she or they really have enjoyed in the past, like then that those, to me, would be signs like, okay, there’s something else going on, and that does tie in with that fluency. The other thing I wanted to share, it’s so interesting. I just kicked off my fall podcast season. This morning, I had my first interview of the fall, and I interviewed this Australian developmental pediatrician named Dr Billy Garvey. He wrote this book called 10 Things I wish you knew about your child’s mental health, and he has a chapter on self esteem. And so when I read this question, I was like, Oh, this is so interesting, because we just talked about how to proactively support our child in having a healthy self esteem. And what he talked about was that the goal isn’t high self esteem. The goal is a stable self esteem, right? So self esteem can be and is often influenced by external rewards or feedback or validation. And so we don’t want our kids to have low self esteem, obviously, but we also don’t want them to have high self esteem that’s based on because they did really well at this sport or. Activity or something like that. So we want them to have a stable self esteem. And, you know, I asked him, I said, How do we do that? How do we help our kids have stable self esteem? And the two things he shared were how important it is that we support effort, as opposed to, you know, the outcome we want to support there and bring attention to the effort that they put in, and we don’t want them to feel that their value is tied to achievement. And then the other thing is to make sure that our kids do feel valued. So you talked about having them engage in things that they really enjoy and that they feel good about. And there’s so many ways that we can always be sending the message to our kids, that they are appreciated, that they’re seen, that they’re helpful, that they can contribute to our family. So those little things might not be this huge self esteem win, but just always daily reinforcing the message that you have value because of who you are. You just have value by being a part of our family and by being the awesome human that you are. And that’s the way that we can kind of continue to, like, I was like, I’m doing, you can’t see me, but I’m doing this hand emotion where, like, I’m putting little self esteem deposits in the bank. So those are the things that came up for me, too. And I think whether or not your child is suffering from low self esteem or not, we can always be working towards our kids having a stable self esteem by doing these things, by noticing and appreciating their effort, and by always reminding them that they have value just as who they are.

Margaret Webb  

And it’s like, yeah. It’s like, you know, as a teacher, it’s like the catch of being good. And as a parent, you know, catch you doing something. And I actually experienced that the other day. I walked into my son’s bedroom, and he had made his bed, and it looked amazing. And I was like, Oh my gosh. I said, Did the bedroom fairy come and clean your room? And he said, No, I did and I said, it looks amazing, and I didn’t tell him to do it. And then the next morning, I reminded him. I said, Oh my gosh, that was so it was, it just felt so good to walk into a room, like, how did it feel when you went to bed that night? And you know, just those little reminders can make a big difference. So

Debbie Reber  

Yes, I love that. And as someone who really values a well made bed, I so appreciate that story. Thank you for sharing that hashtag. Goals. Is there anything before we wrap up that you want to add, for this parent, any kind of last words of comfort or wisdom? Yeah, I

Margaret Webb  

I think just don’t beat yourself up. Don’t feel like you’re missing something you know. Just kind of zoom out and really just like, take in the big picture of what’s going on, trust in what you know about your child, like if they’re at home and if they like to be by themselves for a while, or trust if you see a difference, and just trust in yourself as the parent. And then if you start seeing something where it is more low self esteem. Know that they’re eight, and you can employ different things and different people to support them. So it’s not like it’s too late, so don’t put that pressure on yourself.

Debbie Reber  

Yeah, I really appreciate you saying that, because as you were just adding that point, I also really felt this kind of anxiety that this parent might be experiencing, again, this concern that their child is not thriving and is feeling lonely, and is, you know, we can kind of extrapolate that out. What does it mean? So just that invitation that if you notice the person who asked this question, or anybody who’s listening, who relates to this, if you notice that there’s kind of a dread, anxiety, stress, worry, kind of feeling in your body, when you think about it, that makes you kind of want to hurry up and fix it, like, you know, this urgency that we’ve we’ve got to address this. Just notice that and be like, Okay, this is bringing up some stuff for me, and that’s a time to just remind yourself, there’s, there’s no emergency here, yeah, just slow it down, yeah. So I appreciate that. And so I just, first of all, want to thank you, Margaret, for joining me to answer this question today. I want to thank the listener for sending that in and any last words before we wrap this baby up? 

Margaret Webb  

No, just thank you, and again, thank the listener, because it’s a great question, and it is. They’re not alone. Yeah,

Debbie Reber  

Awesome. Thank you. All right. Bye, everybody.