Dr. Robyn Silverman Explains How To Talk to Kids About Anything

Debbie:

Hello, Robyn. Welcome back to the Tilt Parenting Podcast.

Robyn Silverman:

Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be back.

Debbie:

Yes, I was just, it has been years actually, since you were on the show. I think it was 2017. So kind of in the infancy or toddler stage of this show. And since that time, you’ve continued to produce your fantastic podcast, which is how to talk to kids about anything. And now you’ve written a book on it, which I had a chance to read an advance copy. And I just, so thank you first of all, very much for sending that to me. I would love, just as a way to kick off this conversation. Tell us a little bit about the impetus of the book and yeah, why you felt so compelled to get this out into the world.

Robyn Silverman:

Well, I’ll say that because of the podcast, I felt like I had a unique opportunity to combine the voices of so many incredible experts to create a book that was very multifaceted, provided the voices of a lot of people who could help parents really understand how to talk to kids about the toughest topics. And I would never say I have all the answers. Being able to link the voices of all these different experts and provide such a comprehensive view was so important. On a personal note, when I was in fifth grade, I was bullied and it still to this day, as it is up there with my miscarriages of like the toughest things that I went through in life. So I still remember it extremely vividly. And at that point, Nobody knew what to say to me, like none of the adults in my life, whether it was my teachers or my parents, not because they didn’t want to, not because they didn’t care, but they literally did not have the words. And coming out of that, I was very much compelled to make sure that young people had adults in their lives who knew what to say. And knew what to say not just in the moment but before the moment and after the moment when they needed to follow up throughout the child’s life and even into young adulthood.

Debbie:

Hmm. Well, I did not know that about you, Robin. We’ve known each other for many, many years. And I can only just imagine too back then, either things weren’t said at all, or they were the absolute wrong things to say to a child who’s being bullied. Wow.

Robyn Silverman:

They were awful. Yeah, and the bullying situation happened over a year of my life, like my entire fifth grade year. And I just remember sitting there at home, crying and all the tissues my mom would hand me. And she tried so hard, she just didn’t know what to say. And you’re right, that people said the wrong things or did the wrong things. The teacher actually contacted, the teacher actually had everybody get together in one room, not including me. They sent me to the library. And I guess she talked to the students by themselves. And then she went and I came into the room, into this room with like all these people sitting there, like looking at me. And she was like, okay, now we’re gonna talk about it with Robin. And… just put me on the spot, like, how are you feeling about this? And what do you want to say? And I was,

Debbie:

Oh my goodness.

Robyn Silverman:

Oh, I still remember it so well. And so you can understand that impact. And kids are still dealing with this now. Either people aren’t doing anything or not saying anything, or they’re saying things that can be damaging for the long haul.

Debbie:

Well, I’m so sorry that you experienced that. And it actually puts this book in even greater context of why these conversations are so important. And so I, you know, as I mentioned, I had a chance to read your book in advance, and I was able to blurb it, which is always fun for me. And I referred to it in my blurb as the ultimate cheat sheet to help parents confidently engage in even the trickiest of conversations. with our kids in a way that builds self-respect, agency, and connection. And that is one of the things that I was just blown away by is how comprehensive it is. And so just even as a writer, I was like, oh my gosh, how did you organize this? What, it just seemed like such a puzzle. And I would love if you could give us a little insight into how you went about even approaching the content of this book.

Robyn Silverman:

So I have a writing coach whose main job throughout this entire process was slashing what I wrote. She didn’t need to rewrite anything or anything. Her main job was making verbose me into what you see in that book. Why? Because my writing process is writing everything down that I know about a topic. So each chapter was about a hundred pages when I started of me just writing and writing and writing. There’s so much that didn’t get into the book that we’re now actually saying. I guess some of the bonuses should be some of the stuff you didn’t get to put in the book, not because it wasn’t good. It was, it’s just, my book could have been an anthology of a thousand pages. And I actually had to take chapters out. I’m not even kidding. There were chapters that I could not even use because it just is too much. And so people were like, this could be the second edition. This could be, this can go to the next one. So my writing process is just writing everything down that I know, going through all of the studies that would apply all of the interviews that I did on how to talk to kids about anything on each topic, and then starting to just weave them together. writing actual sections and paragraphs. And when I first hand it to my writing coach, a 30 page chapter might be 70 or 80 pages. And then her literally just going, okay, this is good, but we’re not going to use it because this other stuff is really good. And this is what you need to say, or you kind of said this on page three, so let’s not put it in. So to have as a foil. Otherwise, I don’t know. My poor editor would have been like, what is this? Yeah.

Debbie:

Oh, my goodness.

Robyn Silverman:

Verbose.

Debbie:

Wow. That is Yeah, well, thank you. That is really insightful. And yeah, it makes sense. And I can imagine the amount of research that went into this.

Robyn Silverman:

Ha!

Debbie:

And one of the things that people are talking about with regards to this is, you do include so many parenting voices, you know, as a podcaster, I know you and I, we’ve been on each other’s shows before, and we talked to a lot of the same experts. Can you talk a little bit about why it was so important that you included all in the book.

Robyn Silverman:

Yeah. I mean, for me, I feel like as a child development specialist, I like to provide the whole child development pie. I love, like I get such a high off of weaving in, like if I’m talking about failure, like talking about Julie Lythcott-Haims and Jessica Lahey and like grabbing from all these different experts and like weaving them together. I love that. then also providing my voice and how to then translate what these experts are saying in a way that’s really accessible for parents to talk to their children. I love that aspect. So I was doing that throughout the book. For me, I present the entire child development pie and all of these experts provide the deep slices. And once you’re done, you have just this really exceptional understanding of how to talk to kids about these tough topics, not coming from one person, but just a menagerie of just the best people who really care for children.

Debbie:

Mm hmm. Yeah, that’s great. I want to just mention the name of the book again, including the subtitle. So it’s how to talk to kids about anything: tips, scripts, stories and steps to make even the toughest conversations easier. And as we talked about in the very beginning, there is no doubt that kids need to have the information you discuss in here, whether it’s dealing with failure, processing death, understanding feelings, managing money, all of those things. And I will go into some of those in more detail in a little bit. But a lot of parents aren’t having these tough conversations, including me. Like I’m reading this and like, Oh my gosh, I have access to all of this and I’m still not engaging. So I’m wondering. What have you found are kind of the biggest roadblocks that get in the way of parents from actually having these difficult conversations.

Robyn Silverman:

Look, we’re all in the same boat here. Okay. So I’m going to say me included when all of a sudden you realize, oh my gosh, I haven’t done that either. So I think that some of the biggest roadblocks are number one, parents don’t know what to say. They just don’t even know where to begin. So that’s where this book begins, providing those scripts so that we have conversation starters. We have what to say in the moment. We have what to say before the moment has even happened. We have what to say after the moment has happened. They don’t have the scripts. Sometimes parents tell me, and I’ve actually had interactions with parents where they’re like, oh, I haven’t talked to them about that, but they don’t really need it yet. And that’s things like, I was having a conversation with a woman who has a 13 year old son, and she’s like, well, thank God I don’t have to have the sex conversation yet. And I’m like, Actually, you really should have that conversation with your son now because, and you go into why they need all the pre-talks, and there are kids who are engaging in sexual activity by age 13, or they don’t feel like they have to have the porn talk yet because my child is only 12 when you know a huge portion of children by age 11 have seen porn. So- They think they have more time that they don’t actually need to say anything yet. Some parents mistakenly believe, and I hate bursting the bubble here, but that if they don’t talk about it, it won’t happen. So if they don’t talk about negative body image and eating disorders, their child won’t engage in it. If they don’t talk about sex and porn, their child won’t engage in it. and they won’t get the sense somehow that that’s a good idea. If they don’t talk about suicide, their child won’t be thinking about it. When actually talking about suicide is one of the biggest preventative things you can do to help a child. So there’s a lot of mistakes in their thinking. And honestly, like I said, we’re all included. And then most importantly- Parents find these awkward. I mean, these conversations are tough to have. They don’t want to talk about these things. There’s death with children. Who wants to talk about death with children? That’s not a happy topic. Sex and children, nobody wants to talk about that because it’s uncomfortable and saying the words penis and vagina are uncomfortable. So we prolong it and then we kind of shoot ourselves in the foot at the same time.

Debbie:

Yeah, because playing catch up feels stressful too. And they’re like, Oh, I missed that window. It’s too late, but it’s not.

Robyn Silverman:

Yes.

Debbie:

It’s not too late, right? 

Robyn Silverman:

Never too late.

Debbie:

Okay, good. So I want to talk a little bit more about scripts. And we’re going to take a quick break. And we’ll do that right when we get back.

Debbie:

Right, okay. So I wanna talk more about this concept of scripts. I am a huge fan of having scripts in language for certain situations. I also know that some people kind of worry sometimes that scripts are too prescribed or they’re not individualized for every child. So, and I know that in your book, you present them in many different ways. So can you talk a little bit more about how you approach the creation of scripts and… how you would hope parents utilize them in the book.

Robyn Silverman:

I agree with you that we don’t want to sound scripted, but we do wanna be prepared. Those are two different things. So I am in no way saying, hey, memorize these things word for word. In fact, I say the opposite. It should feel very natural and it should feel like your words and what would come out of your mouth. It should reflect your values, not my values. And it should be considering your child and the way that they like to receive information. You’re going to know that best because you’re that child’s parent. So I provide a lot of different ways of looking at scripts. Sometimes we do really well with powerful questions, asking questions of children so that they can come up with their own answers and those become your conversation starters. So you may have seen something on the news or you may be listening to this podcast and you might say to your child, I just heard this disturbing statistic. And honestly, I find this so awkward to talk about. But I found out today that like a huge percentage of kids your age has already seen porn. And I was just wondering like, do you know what that is? And like, has that, have you? Have you ever had that happen or you would not get in trouble for this? Like, this is not what I’m saying. Like, I’m really curious, like what your perspective is on this. Have you heard your friends, you know, that kind of thing. So you can use something as a springboard for discussion. You can use powerful questions and not even know any answers. You could just ask the question. You can talk about things like… what I call grit to glory stories, which is starting with a story of somebody. So in the book, I talk about the fact that certain, certain people, celebrities have ADHD, let’s say for example, and you might say, I just found out Simone Biles has ADHD. You know, Simone Biles, she’s a, she’s this major athlete and she’s, you know, she’s just, she just won this gold medal. Like I just amazed me and I was, you know, wondering if. If you knew anything about her, what’s your view of Simone Biles? And usually people don’t know that. So like, oh, she’s this amazing athlete. I love watching her on TV. You know, what it says to me is like, everybody has their gifts. And I think sometimes people look at people with ADHD and think, oh, there’s something wrong with them. What do you think about that? So that you’re using people’s stories to help you. Again, this is not really scripted. It’s just being prepared. you can have the conversation. So what I would hope is that parents open my book, How to Talk to Kids About Anything, and read whatever sections that they need to at a particular time, and then maybe go back to those sections when they need it again, they can read it through, and then talk to their kids about the things that matter most right now. This is supposed to be an evergreen book. and you’re not gonna just talk about it when the child is five or seven, you’re gonna talk to the child when they’re three, they’re eight, they’re 15 about the same topic, but using different language.

Debbie:

Mm hmm. Yeah, no, that’s super helpful. And you have throughout the book, a way for parents to come up with their own talking points. Like I love those charts that you have, it’s like, here’s what’s going on. And then you encourage the parents to kind of reflect and see what’s happening and what they know about their child with regards to that situation. So they can come up with something that feels really organic. So I do love that. I also will just say I do love a good script. Like I still there’s still phrases from our conversation years ago. There’s phrases from the self-driven child, Ned Johnson and Bill Stixrud’s book that I lean on heavily in certain moments. So that idea of being prepared is really important. You talked about what some of the roadblocks are for parents and even having these conversations, but are there common mistakes that parents make when they’re having them that you also address in the book?

Robyn Silverman:

Absolutely. And again, like we’re all included here. We sometimes go in with an agenda like today, I’m going to talk to you about sex. Here we go.

Debbie:

Yeah, guilty.

Robyn Silverman:

And you just like all of a sudden like unleash this mental soliloquy, I call it, where you’re just talking and talking. And we, as interviewers, have all been in this situation where the other person is talking and talking and talking. And Oh my goodness, like, am I going to be able to talk to during this? Because just like an interview, like a conversation is two-sided. I mean, you would hope that two people are talking. So one of the big mistakes is going in with an agenda. Another is going in with paragraphs of information where you’re talking so much more than the other person. Uh, another one is not listening. So. This kind of goes hand in hand with the other things that I just said, but you wanna hear what your child knows, what your child’s viewpoint is, how they might differ from what your viewpoint is, and just how they’re digesting the information. You don’t wanna be cramming it down their throat. And sometimes with a very heated situation, let’s say your child comes home and they’ve been bullied and you’re like, Oh my goodness, like the mama bear comes out and you are about to just go to town here. You may not be listening to what your child’s perspective is. And one of the biggest things we can say in that moment is do you want my advice or do you want me to listen? Or do you just want a shoulder to cry on because I’m here for any of it? Even if you want to just say, drop that person, I don’t know why you keep going back to them. It winds up shutting off conversation rather than opening it up.

Debbie:

Yeah, absolutely. I love that. And that’s something I’ve learned to say, do you need to vent? Or do you want? I’ve got lots of ideas. So if you want that feedback, let me know. There’s two things I want to kind of add on to what you just shared. One is and you talked about this, but just like I want to be really explicit on the importance of taking really long pauses and leaving so much room for responses that can be so hard for a lot of us to just wait. But I, you know, and we want to kind of get to the point or make sure that they’re really hearing us. But sometimes if we just wait a really long time, we can get to what they’re really thinking. And then the other thing tied to you saying, don’t go in with an agenda, which I’m like, I. Yeah, okay. So that spoke to me. Thank you. But it’s so important that we read the room. And, you know, pick our moments. And that is just such an important thing, too. I feel like, often in the moment when your child comes home from school, that is not the time to have this conversation if they’re really struggling. Or if our child’s dysregulated, that’s not the time or if we notice our kids anxious and we’re anxious too sometimes I find myself wanting to have the conversation too but it’s completely the wrong time. So I just wanted to throw those in there as well.

Robyn Silverman:

agreed on all of that. And it’s super hard to leave those pauses somewhat because it’s awkward. I mean, let’s not forget those are, you know, and we just want to fill those spaces. And sometimes we’re just so concerned the conversation will end before we feel done that we just keep talking. So when we keep talking, it actually can be detrimental to the conversation.

Debbie:

Yeah. And then I hear that voice like Debbie, stop talking. Stop talking. You’re going on too long.

Robyn Silverman:

Yeah, it’s over here. Like, stop talking. Yeah.

Debbie:

Indeed. Well, I’d love to get into some of the content in the book. So we’re going to take a quick break and we’ll do that when we get back. Okay, before actually Andrea don’t include this, I was going to kind of, I want to run through just so they know the range of things that are in your book and then can we dive into one or two of them in a little more detail? Is that okay? 

Robyn Silverman:

Okay. All whatever you want to do.

Debbie:

Right. Okay, so when I said that your book is incredibly comprehensive, I truly meant that. And I actually want to read off the chapters in the book just as a way to start, because I want listeners to really understand that you really do cover all the big things. You’ve got how to talk to kids about anger, sadness, and other big feelings. That is very much in our lane here. How to talk to kids about self-esteem and body image. How to talk to kids about sex and, you know, you already… gave some examples with that and porn, important stuff to know, how to talk to kids about death, how to talk to kids about diversity and inclusion, how to talk to kids about divorce and non traditional family structures, how to talk to kids about mistakes and failure, how to talk to kids about friendship and how to talk to kids about money. So you really cover all the things that are so important that our kids kind of grow up with an understanding of who they are in those circumstances and what are their values and you know, how do they want to navigate those things? So I guess I would love to know even the one that I’d love to dive into a little deeper is how to talk to kids about diversity and inclusion. You talk about neural divergence in that chapter and diversity from many different angles. Can you talk about how you went about approaching that chapter and maybe some kind of things that you would want our listeners to know about?

Robyn Silverman:

So the secret is it was the last chapter I wrote. I was completely giving myself a hard time about it because I knew how important it was and I was suffering from thinking who am I to be writing this chapter because I am this white woman with a… just this body that works in traditional ways. And I was like, how am I writing this chapter? I’m not neurodiverse. I just kept saying all these things. And again, it was my writing coach who said to me, you are not writing for the people who you’re writing about. You’re writing for the people who are not. Understanding those people you’re writing about. And I’m like, oh, right, right. Okay. So that helped me to move on from feeling like this was not correct. And then I also, I have such a rich number of people and coming from every different direction, these experts from… all different walks of life who have really helped to make this chapter shine. I love their voices in here. So if I’m talking about race or I’m talking about gender or I’m talking about LGBTQ or I’m talking about neurodivergence, I am interviewing the experts who can help me really understand the issues and how to talk to kids. And I still feel strongly that I have a way these experts say and then translate them in a way that parents can use the information and talk to their kids about. So that was my process in really making sure I had the experts and the studies, the research, the understanding, and then taking what people have told me and being able to translate it into conversations we can have with our kids. sections grew out of that. And what I would want people to understand from this chapter is that we can’t just say things like everybody’s the same. And we have to treat everybody the same. And I don’t see color and I don’t see gender and I don’t see disability because what I’ve learned from interviewing these experts and interviewing kids, who represent members of those groups is that when we choose not to see color and gender and whatever thing they’re grappling with, that we are actually not seeing them because that is a very important part of who they are and how they exist in this world. We must see the difference. In order to see the similarities. We must see the difference in order to see the challenges. And we must see the difference so that we can be helpful. Many of us want to show up as allies, but that’s not just rah rah, let’s get into a parade. It’s, I see the challenge and I see what you’re dealing with and I’d like to know more because I’m not all knowing. And if there is any way that I can help you, I’d like to stand up and be there for you. So that’s really important. And I think that there was an evolution there because when we talk to young people about differences, we often try to erase the difference so that we can just see the similarity. The similarities are important, but the differences are too.

Debbie:

Mm-hmm. Yeah, no, it’s wonderful. And it was very nuanced. And I think that’s what I appreciated so much was it, again, I keep using the word comprehensive, but you really did explore so many different ways of moving through the world. And you tackled, you know, just there was a section on ableism and just these are things that a lot of parents do not know how to talk about, whether they’re raising a neurodivergent child or a neurotypical child or a blended family. Like it’s so really feel empowered to help our kids grow up with, you know, being those respectful allies and really seeing the humanity in other people and recognizing where they might be getting it wrong just because they don’t know.

Robyn Silverman:

Yeah, it is really important that we do that. And if you think about this sort of typical situation, you’re in a supermarket or you’re at a park and there’s a child who is maybe acting out in a way that may show neurodivergence because you’re extremely knowledgeable about that, but a child doesn’t know and they’re going to turn to their parent and be like, why is that child doing that? And what happens? The parent says, shh, don’t talk about that. Like look away, you know, let’s just get out and out of the store in the same way that you might see somebody at school and you might go to a teacher. Why is that kid walking funny? Because you’re a child and you don’t know how to put it in a way that may not sound offensive. You’re not meaning to be offensive in any way. And then the teacher says, we don’t say things like that. you know, we’re all the same. Okay, again, because we’re sensitive and we don’t wanna make anybody feel bad, but we also wanna make sure that child understands that they can ask us anything. We want to be fully askable and we want to be able to answer them and help them see the humanity, as you said so beautifully, be empathetic, but also be curious, inquisitive, and see the world for the differences and the similarities.

Debbie:

Yeah, I love that so much. As you were talking, I’m just thinking too of how it renders people invisible when we don’t talk about them. You know, even, you know, I live in New York City and there’s so many unhoused people here and it’s just like people just turn away and it’s like those people don’t exist for so many people and the same thing happens if we’re not. talking about these things openly. So it’s so important. I wanted to just also touch upon, you know, you wrote this post COVID, well, you probably were writing it during COVID as well. But we know that so many kids are struggling with their mental health right now. It’s just such a crisis in this time. And I’m just wondering, is there a chapter in here that you feel really is critical for parents who are parenting kids, no matter how young they are, who are struggling with emotional and mental health challenges.

Robyn Silverman:

I would say two chapters really speak to that very much. One is how to talk to kids about sadness and other big feelings, that first chapter. And the other one is how to talk to kids about self-esteem and body esteem, because both of them address looking inward in such important ways. The first chapter and the reason why I started with emotions is because everything really does start there. You all start with the emotions and understanding them, and you really can’t talk about so many of the other chapters unless you’re talking about our feelings about them. But I do get into sadness and depression and anxiety and fear, and we need to keep digging at those. There’s, we’re seeing of course, that children who have lived through this COVID period are still not all better. And they still have a lot of feelings about themselves, their family, their friends, their school. There was a huge disruption. And the mental health aspect we’re seeing is continually an issue. the uptick in suicidal ideation and kids who are feeling anxious and depressed, disconnected. And this book is really about connection. How can we connect through conversation? So all of the chapters do that. The first chapter is really speaking to what happens when we feel disconnected. Children are feeling alone. And I don’t just mean they’re feeling alone. They’re like feeling all their feelings by themselves. They’re feeling alone because we’re afraid to ask or we don’t really see it because it’s coming out in behavior and we’re thinking what’s wrong with them rather than let’s uncover what’s underneath. And the piece about self-esteem and body image is what happens when there’s a constant voice in our head that tells us we’re and the kids are going through this right now. Look at what’s happened with the grades, their ability to play sports during that time, things that made them feel like themselves. When they are using an I am statement, like I am not good enough, I am ugly, I am lazy, I am stupid, that becomes who they are. And we need to work hard on changing that I am statement so that the voice inside their head shows them their gifts and shows them where they can go in life, not simply where they’re lacking and their deficits. And you and I have talked about this deeply where our kids, especially when they’re neurodivergent, have heard so many things about themselves that are negative that they can wear that negative I am statement like a cloak. And we as parents, and we talked about this when you and I were on my podcast that, or I think on yours, that when we don’t lead with their strengths or even neutrality, we start with, I’m sorry, my child has this, let me label them this, and they’re going to behave in this way. And they lead with their deficit. They see themselves as that deficit. And it’s very hard for them. to come out strong that way.

Debbie:

Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I remember that conversation so vividly and listeners, I will have a link in the show notes, definitely go back and listen to that it was about parenting through a strength space lens. We talked a lot about character strengths and really how we do communicate about our children to our children to other people. So that’s just such a great reminder. I want to start to wrap up here but I, I do want to just ask you. You know, again, this is I’ll just say this is something this is a book that I feel like everybody should have grandparents, parents, definitely educators, anyone who is supporting kids. And as you said in the intro, none of these tough talks are going to be completed in one conversation. Can you talk about maybe just pick one example of how a conversation might change over time because we want to continuous conversations here.

Robyn Silverman:

Yes, absolutely. So let’s say we’re talking about death. A child’s concept of death changes wildly over time. So when you have a young child and people often, like we said, like they don’t want to talk about this with their children and then it sneaks up on them and then they contact me and they go, oh my goodness, my mother-in-law just died and I don’t know what to say. So this is helpful to front load it if it’s possible. And I call those pre-talks. you’re walking along the street, you’re walking at the park and you see a bug on the ground and the bug is dead. You know it’s dead. And your very young child says, why is that bug not moving? You want to use the words. That bug is dead. It’s no longer in its bug body. It lived its life and now it’s dead. It doesn’t drink or eat or breathe. It doesn’t do anything that is alive. It is a dead bug and what you’re seeing there is just the bug body without a bug in it anymore. So that helps to just start the conversation off. You can do this with plants. The plant is dead. The flower is dead. There’s no more life in it. It’s lived its life. So that’s the beginning of the conversation. And then that helps you to become much more prepared for a conversation later on when you know, your friendly neighbor has passed away and you remember the bug, remember the plant. It has no more life in it. So our neighbor has died. And you wanna use that language. Every time we start to kind of sugar coat it with the dog went to the farm or, you know, the dog went to the home in the sky, even things like that, it can be very confusing, especially if we say something like, Grandpa went to sleep and he’s not waking up because that’s gonna cause problems for a young child to go to sleep at night, worried that you’re gonna go to sleep or he got sick and died. Again, just using that word sick, now you’re sick, now the child is nervous. So you wanna call things what they are. He had cancer, cancer is this, and then be able to go into more detail. As the child gets older, you’re going to find that the questions are actually very concrete as a child gets into the school age years, and it may feel like they’re actually abrupt. Where is his body? What’s happening with his body right now? And it can feel very icky, but those questions are very appropriate for that age group. And we want that conversation to evolve into answering those questions as they are until you get to that. teenage point where it becomes more esoteric and the child is start asking, why does this happen? Why him? What’s going to happen with me? Where am I going in life? Why are we here at all? And again, you don’t have to know all those answers. The scientific answers you may not know all about, but you might say, hey, let’s get a book out on animals in the life cycle. And then you can read about what happens in death. because maybe you don’t know all the science. I certainly didn’t. But as the children are getting older into those teen years and asking those esoteric questions, you’re not gonna know the answer either. You can throw it back at them. Where do you think we go when we die? What do you think happens when we die? This is what I believe. This is what maybe our religion believes. This is what my parents told me. But I would love to know what you think. And make it a conversation that doesn’t have an ending. because those are the best. Allow your child to keep coming to you, keep processing, so that they’re talking to you in the moment and three weeks later and three years later and into adulthood.

Debbie:

Thank you so much for that example. That was so helpful. And I, listeners, you’re getting a sense of what this book does for us. It really is. Again, it’s it you know cheat sheet seems like a not the best word, but it for all intents and purposes, you are really helping us feel that we have all the resources and tools that we need to engage in all kinds of really challenging conversations that we really need to be having with our kids and things are gonna come up raising kids is relentless, so There’s always gonna be more conversations and situations that we’re gonna need these kinds of resources for so before we say goodbye I’d love to know what your greatest. Hope is for this book. It’s as this episode airs the book is out today So I always love getting to celebrate a book on its birthday, but what is your highest wish for the book in the world?

Robyn Silverman:

It took me six years to write this book. That means all the interviews, all of the research, all of the writing and editing. It took six years. My hope is that it gets into the hands of people who can use it, that they can use it over a period of time. They could use it in the moment. They know that when their child asks them something that is deeply hard, that they can say, I want to talk to you about this and I’m going to talk to you about this. I just need a couple of minutes to get my thoughts together and I will meet you in your room at this spot in a couple of minutes and then take the book out, read it, read whatever section you need to and feel maybe not totally unawkward, maybe not totally perfect because none of us will. help them along and they’re feeling prepared to have that conversation now.

Debbie:

That’s great. And I love that permission almost to just say, I really want to talk to you about this. Give me five minutes, because I think we feel like we have to know all the answers all the time in the moment. So that just feels so freeing. Like, you’ve got this great resource. I’ll be with you in a few minutes. So thank you for that. And before we say goodbye. Can you just remind listeners, I will have links in the show notes, but I’d love if you could kind of share where you would most like listeners to find you and engage with you.

Robyn Silverman:

So anybody can find me at drrobbinsilverman.com or anywhere on social media. You and I, you know, go back and forth on Instagram and Facebook and all of that. And the book is found anywhere that books are sold, how to talk to kids about anything. Also the podcast, you can listen to Debbie on my podcast too.

Debbie:

There you go.

Robyn Silverman:

And I would love that. And in the book, she’s right there in the book under a tooth bomb, I see it. So. She’s talking about neurodiversity right there in my book. So I’m excited to include you in that as an expert.

Debbie:

Thank you, yes, a lot of good crossover. I’m really just so grateful for you and the work that you do and the way that you show up and your passion for supporting all children, all families. And I just congratulations again, six years. It’s, I hope it was worth the wait for you, but it is such a gift to the rest of us. So thank you so much and thanks for this conversation today.

Robyn Silverman:

Thank you so much for having me. I loved it.

Debbie:

Awesome. All right, let me hit stop. I don’t think I have to. All right.