Explore the Question, “What am I Making This Mean?” Day 6 Transcript

Hey there! Today’s TILT is about getting inside your head a little bit, because what I’d like you to do is notice when you are triggered by something your child has done and ask yourself the question: What am I making this mean? 

If we are being triggered by our kid’s behavior, it is almost always because we’re making their choice mean something about us — who we are, how our child perceives us, how good (or bad) we are as a parent, etc.

So when we have a strong emotional reaction to something our kid is doing, we need to ask ourselves, what am I making this mean? Maybe we’re thinking he doesn’t respect me or she shouldn’t be ignoring me or he doesn’t care about our shared agreement.

Whatever meaning you come up with, write it down and challenge it.

Is it that he doesn’t respect me or he doesn’t have the skills he needs to handle this situation right now? Is it that she doesn’t care about our shared agreement or that when she’s anxious all logic flies out the window?

When we can do this, what’s happening isn’t personal anymore. In fact, what’s going on with our child usually doesn’t have anything to do with us at all. It’s about their not having the necessary skills to better handle any given situation. So instead of getting upset, we can look at them with compassion and ask ourselves, how can I support my child in this situation or what can he or she learn from this situation?

This Tilt may feel a little more challenging because it requires that you take a pause and get inside your head to uncover what exactly is going on. Sometimes it’s easy to figure out, and sometimes it takes a while to get to the heart of the matter. But if you’re curious and committed, you’ll get there… I promise.

Your Challenge

Notice when you’re emotionally triggered by your child and then get curious about WHY you’re triggered — in other words, answer the question: What am I making this mean? Once you figure that out, see if you can dispute the meaning and remind yourself that this is about your child’s abilities and skills, not you. And if you are using the special 7-day-challenge downloadable workbook, I’ve included a little thought worksheet to help you process these concepts. Good luck, and I’ll see you tomorrow for Day 7!