This episode is one of those powerful, deep conversations that will likely leave you seeing and thinking about your child differently. My guest is Dr. Mona Delahooke, a clinical and consulting pediatric psychologist specializing in supporting children and families. On the homepage for Mona’s website, the following words are written in large type: It’s high time we update our approaches to helping children with behavioral challenges and developmental differences. And this is exactly what Mona has devoted her work to doing — shifting the paradigm for the way behavior, especially in differently wired kids, is perceived and responded to in our schools, our families, and in society.
In this powerful conversation, Mona and I talk about what’s really behind “disruptive” behaviors, the fundamental problem behind behavioral diagnoses such as Opposition Defiance Disorder, the cost to our kids whose challenging behavior is misunderstand, and what Mona believes it will take for things to change. She also talks with us about her brand new game-changing book, Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to have this conversation with Mona and for the work she is doing in the world on behalf of our kids. I hope you enjoy the episode.
About Mona: Mona Delahooke, PhD, is a mother and licensed clinical psychologist with more than 30 years of experience caring for children and their families. She is a senior faculty member of the Profectum Foundation, an organization dedicated to supporting families of neurodiverse children, adolescents and adults. She is a trainer for the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. She is the author of Social and Emotional Development in Early Intervention: A Skills Guide for Working with Children (PESI, 2017) and Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges (PESI, 2019). Dr. Delahooke is a member of the American Psychological Association and holds the highest level of endorsement in the field of infant and toddler mental health in California, as a Reflective Practice Mentor (RPM). She is a frequent speaker, trainer, and consultant to parents, organizations, schools, and public agencies. Dr. Delahooke has dedicated her career to promoting compassionate, relationship-based, neurodevelopmental interventions for children with developmental, behavioral, emotional, and learning differences.
THINGS YOU’LL LEARN FROM THIS EPISODE:
- Why and how society’s notions about challenging behavior are outdated
- The problem with using rewards and consequences for kids with behavioral challenges
- The protective, adaptive purpose that anger, tantrums, and meltdowns serve for children
- Why Mona believes that ODD and other behavioral disorders shouldn’t be a thing
- The difference between challenging behavioral that is purposeful versus a stress response (and why most falls into the latter category)
- What the “expectation gap” is in relation to our children’s behavioral responses
RESOURCES MENTIONED:
- Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges by Dr. Mona Delahooke
- Social and Emotional Development in Early Intervention: A Skills Guide for Working with Children by Dr. Mona Delahooke
- Deconstructing Oppositional Defiance Disorder (blog post)
- Oppositional Defiance of Faulty Neuroception (blog post)
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I’m going to start this by saying I absolutely love Tilt and everything you are doing, but I take major issue with this episode when Moana says that “criers” are the “lucky ones”. As a crier child and with decades of work with children in numerous settings (including public schools) I can say with 100% certainty that the majority of the time a crying child does not garner sympathy but instead a hostile response, such as “toughen up” or “suck it up” or “stop being so sensitive”. This then also deepens the stress response and essentially pushes children into the “blue zone” as she describes, because now the only option they have is to freeze or faint. They can’t exhibit any sort of “negative” emotion with these adults. I won’t go into high sensitivity (sensory processing sensitivity, not to be confused with SPD) here either and how this is also part of being neurodiverse, and how these children end up being more traumatized as adults if they have not been adequately nurtured (there are studies on this), especially in these emotional responses (let alone highly sensitive, neurodiverse boys, who aren’t “allowed” to cry anyway.) I realize there are exceptions here, but please do not believe that crying children are somehow “lucky”. Far from it.
Now I do understand that children who react in anger, aggression, with movement, etc., do receive harsh responses regularly also. I have also witnessed this. I completely agree that they are unlucky and have sadly witnessed this lack of understanding and compassion towards them too many times. But I just want to say that let’s please not dismiss the crying children as somehow “lucky” just because they may not act out in an aggressive or “disruptive” manner.
Thank you listening. Again, I love the work of Tilt and I love that Moana is using a lot of Stephen Porges’ work. His work is life-changing.
Love this! Looking forward to reading this book and sharing with the parents I coach. I love how clear this is in conveying that each individual is unique. A huge part of the joy of my parent coaching is discovering with each parent what is under the surface of the child’s behaviors, and theirs! I’ll now have an easy reference to share with them. Thank you both! Thought you might like knowing about what I use as a foot rest when I sit: my husband’s old copy of the dsm 😉